Is This How Love Works?
by JimberlyShipper
Summary: This is AU. It's 1999 and Dean and Cas meet on the NYU campus. Dean has a reputation for a player, but he meets Cas and it's love at first sight. Cas is the one who attends college. Dean works as a mechanic. It's very AU. All of my Destiel feels had to go somewhere. WIP, I hope ya'll like!
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: The characters of**_ _Supernatural_ _**do not belong to me. I don't know where this came from, other than I've been doing a lot of SPN watching lately and my feels have nowhere to go. And after the finale I really needed some cute Destiel. This is an AU fic, it takes place in 1999, Dean's 20, almost 21, and he meets Cas on the NYU campus. He's a player normally but he meets Cas and it's love at first sight. I can't promise there won't be angst, but at the moment, I needed fluffy Destiel. I hope ya'll enjoy, XD.**_

Is this How Love Works?

By Julia

The NYU campus was bigger than Dean thought it would be. He wasn't even sure what he was here for. Dean wasn't exactly a college kid. He was twenty now anyway, almost twenty one, and he knew that he'd missed his chance to go. His brother Sam was off at Stanford, and they hadn't really spoken in years. Dean wasn't sure why. It might have been too hard to be around each other after their dad had died. It had been an accident at work. Dean and Sam's mother had died when Sam was a baby, and Dean was four. She'd been sick for a very long time. Dean sniffled as he thought about her, walking onto campus. He was pretty high, he'd just gotten finished with a joint.

It was mid afternoon, so there were lots of students and professors walking around. Dean was wearing a leather jacket, jeans, and a white tee shirt. A cigarette was stuck on the back of his ear. He didn't do them often but every once in awhile. Especially when he was stressed out. Dean walked around, still not sure why he was here. It had been a long time since he had a college girl, or guy. Dean had hooked up with a few guys in the past few weeks, and he was starting to think he might be bisexual. Once wasn't definitive, but it had happened a few times now.

That's when he stopped dead. There was the bluest eyes he'd ever seen, and they were also attached to the most handsome guy he'd ever seen in his whole life. Dean actually licked his lips. The other guy was talking to a blonde haired girl, bookbag over his shoulder. He was laughing about something. Dean then saw his ear was pierced, in the right ear. That was the gay ear. Dean licked his lips again. He might actually have a shot. Dean didn't know what this feeling was, because he'd never really been in love with anyone, but it was something more than lust. It was a completely new feeling to him. He walked across the grass, sliding up to the guy and his friend.

"Dean. How's someone gorgeous like you just walking around on the planet?"

When Castiel Novak heard those words, he knew how cheesy they sounded. He turned around, to tell the guy so who had said so, and then he was arrested by amazing green eyes, that reminded him of emeralds his grandmother had had when he was a kid. Cas hadn't seen her in a really long time, once he'd come out to the family after graduating high school, they'd all kind of kept their distance from Cas. He wasn't exactly surprised, his family was one of the oldest in the South, and they came from old money. Something like being gay was definitely not acceptable. Cas hadn't worried about what he'd do without them, he had already been accepted to NYU and he was determined to get out of his tiny Southern town and go to New York.

His gaze slid over the other boy. "You don't waste any time, do you?" He asked, unable to help himself. He could be a tad sarcastic when he wanted to be. He honestly had to admit, this guy was gorgeous. His jeans hugged his ass just right, and the leather jacket was making his shoulders look incredibly wide. He was built like a linebacker. Cas licked his lips, unable to help himself. This guy was gorgeous, sex on a stick. Cas could tell that he was high, his pupils were definitely not normal and there was this certain quality in the way he was smiling.

When he wasn't immediately turned away, Dean grinned and offered his hand. "Dean Winchester." He told him, his tone showing how proud he was of his name. Dean looked Cas up and down, unable to help himself. He looked skinny, but Dean was sure there was a body under the large sweater and jeans, that appeared to be very tight. Dean looked to his friend. "You got a name, sweetheart?" He asked, and she told him it was Jo Harvelle. Dean turned back to Cas. "So you going to tell me what your name is, angel?" Dean asked. The '90s were kind of the worst fashion years that Dean had ever lived through. He missed the '80s. He'd been a kid for all of them, and it had been a great decade. Now it was 1999 and Dean was just waiting for the year to end. Plus it was going to be a new century. Dean didn't think they needed to worry so much about the Y2K thing. He thought it would all work out.

After he'd asked what is name was, Cas actually answered. Dean listened to the name, Castiel Novak, and he knew that it was one of the most beautiful names he'd ever heard. Dean couldn't believe it. It was unique, he'd never heard a name like it before. "Cas, I like that." Dean said, as Cas finally shook his hand. Dean didn't know where this guy had come from, but he was almost too amazing to be real. Dean let go of his hand, but he kept his gaze on the other boy. "Do you want to go grab a bite? I've got a '67 Impala and I promise, it's a sweet ride."

Cas shared a look with Jo. She was his best friend on campus. Cas' roommate, Chuck Shurley, wasn't someone that Cas was finding it easy to get along with. He'd tried though. He told Dean to wait just a second and he and Jo walked a few paces away to talk. Cas looked at Jo. "Are you okay with me going? I know we had plans to study." Cas didn't really know what he wanted her to say. He really did want to get to know Dean, there was no denying it that Dean was gorgeous. Cas did have a lot of studying to do however. He was majoring in creative writing. He turned back to look at Dean, who caught his glance and gave him a naughty smile and a wink. Cas couldn't help but blush.

Looking at her friend, Jo knew that he wanted her to say that it was okay. Jo looked back at him, sizing him up. He was definitely trouble. She could tell just by looking at him. Turning her gaze back to Cas, she lifted a shoulder. "Cas, I know you're going to go whether I say it's okay or not. You haven't gotten fucked in a really long time. You just, keep in mind that guys like that, all they want is one thing. You're barely back on your feet after the whole Michael thing." She knew when she mentioned that Cas was going to roll his eyes. He did. Jo couldn't see Cas after he was hurt by someone like that again. Michael and Cas had dated for a year and a half, they'd met freshman year. It had been incredibly hard to watch Cas fall. Michael had consumed him. Cas had been incredibly different than he normally was around Michael. Jo hadn't been a fan of the relationship.

"You just be careful." Jo reached into her bookbag and pulled out a couple of condoms. She handed them to him. "I don't want to have to take care of you when you get an STD." She told him firmly. Jo wasn't going to watch him go through that, either. Not if she could help it.

Cas took the condoms, sliding them into his pocket. He met the girl's eyes. He gave her a sly grin. "I am so glad that you're okay with it. I don't know what it is about this guy, but there's something about him that's drawing me to him. I don't really know if I'll ever be able to put a finger on it." Cas leaned to kiss her cheek. "Let me know when you get home okay, promise?" He asked, and Jo nodded at him. Cas kept her gaze for a moment longer, mouthed a thank you at her, and walked back to Dean. "Let's go." Cas said, unable to keep from smiling when he saw the light in Dean's green eyes when he spoke. Cas shook his head. "I may come to regret this." He said, as Dean reached down and took his hand, his fingers sliding easily into Cas'. Cas couldn't believe how natural that felt. It was really nice if he let himself admit it.

"You are too hot for words, though, that's definitely why I'm here." Cas said, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

Dean couldn't help but preen when Cas said that. He led him across the quad towards where his car was parked. It had been John's, and he'd actually left it to Dean in his will. Dean wasn't sure what he'd left Sam, as soon as John had been in the ground he'd taken off back for Stanford. Dean wasn't sure why he'd assumed that Sam might actually talk to him about all of this. Dean missed him more than he wanted to admit, so much so that his eyes brushed with tears. He didn't want Cas to see, and he turned his head away so that he could compose his features.

What he didn't expect was Cas to stop their walking, and tilt Dean's face so he could look at him. Dean's wide green eyes met Cas' blue ones, and he wondered what it was about Cas that was going to make him tell the truth if Cas actually asked him if he wanted to talk about it. No one knew that story. Dean kept it close to the vest, he always had. Dean wasn't even sure if the people he interacted with even knew that he had a brother. Not that Dean really had a lot of friends. Dean didn't mind at all though, it was just how he preferred to be.

Cas brushed some tears off Dean's cheek, surprised that they were opening up to each other so quickly. Cas also knew that Dean wasn't a student here. He could tell that there was something more to Dean than what met the eye. He just couldn't put his finger on what it was. Cas looked into his eyes. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's just that you just met me. But you can, tell me if you want." Cas didn't expect Dean to tell him. Cas was honestly curious. He just didn't think that he should insist that Dean tell him, not if Dean wasn't ready. Cas was one who had things it was hard for him to talk about.

"I know that there's more than lust here, Dean. And I know you do too. You can trust me. But I'm here if you need to tell me, but not on my terms." Cas couldn't take his eyes off Dean, who looked so delicious he was having a hard time not shagging him right then and there. Cas hadn't had sex in awhile but he also didn't want Dean to assume that's all he wanted. Cas wasn't that type of guy. He was an in it for the long haul guy, and it's ultimately why he and Michael were broken up. Michael wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Cas knew that that was also why he'd finally forgiven Michael for breaking up with him. They wanted different things and it never would have worked out.

Dean was lost in watching Cas' mouth move, and he was still high. Dean honestly hadn't ever seen someone that was as good looking as Cas was in his entire life. Dean looked into Cas' eyes and was quiet as he thought. Dean wasn't sure if he wanted to tell him or not. Dean wasn't one to just trust people instantly. He'd been burned before. Something about Cas was different though, he could tell. Dean just couldn't talk about it right now. It was harshing his mellow. Dean finally spoke. "I want to tell you, but I can't right now. I'm really high and you're gorgeous and I'd way rather just be kissing you." It was true. It was all that he could think of at the moment.

Cas brushed his hand through Dean's hair, which was unbelievably soft. Cas' hands stilled as Dean looked at him, with what Cas could tell was desire. Cas' blue eyes bored into Dean's. "Make love to me, Dean." Cas found himself asking, his tone barely above a whisper. Cas didn't know what was getting into him, but he knew that he meant it. He had never had sex with someone he wasn't in love with in his life, but for some reason, he was honestly wanting Dean to make love to him. "My dorm isn't far." Cas added, his voice still quiet. There was desire in his tone.

When Cas asked that, Dean's green eyes widened. He didn't really know what to think of that. It was something that Dean would definitely do in meeting someone new, but he could tell that Cas wasn't the type to have sex so quickly. His lips were inches from Cas', and he closed the distance, kissing him. Deeply. Cas kissed back, and Dean's arms slid around Cas' waist. When the kiss broke, Dean asked, "Are you sure you want to do that? I'm the kind of guy who does that all the time, but you look like a commitment guy." Dean wasn't sure that he wanted to let Cas do that, change the way he was for him. Dean couldn't have that. He wanted Cas to be himself. "I can't ask you to do that. Just go ahead and fuck me." Dean knew it wasn't what Cas wanted to hear.

His lips moved over Dean's again, and he said against his lips, "I want to, Dean. I know that there's something special about you. I just don't know what it is. But believe me when I say that I want to make love to you. I don't really know why, what's making me want it so quickly. But I promise you, Dean, I mean what I say." Cas knew that it was going to be something that he wasn't going to regret, and he wasn't going to be mad if Dean didn't take him up on it. But Cas really hoped that he would take him up on it.

Dean mulled this over, his eyes on Cas' the whole time. Finally, he tugged Cas closer and kissed him, his tongue sliding into Cas' mouth and his arms slid around Cas' waist even tighter. When the kiss broke, Dean said, "Show the way to your dorm, sweetheart." Dean said, hardly daring to believe what he was saying. But he meant every word of it. It was something that he didn't want to take back. He knew that he'd done the right thing.

At Dean's admission, Cas licked his lips and then reached down, taking Dean's hand, and leading him off to his dorm, which really was just across the quad from where they were. Cas' heart was pounding out of his chest, he was so nervous. But there was something about Dean that was just calling to him. Cas got them to his dormitory and they went inside, it was locked at night, if Dean stayed he'd have to let him out, if he chose to leave once the doors were locked. Cas didn't mind though, he knew that whatever he got with Dean was enough. Cas led them up the stairs, he was on the third floor. Cas let them inside his dorm room, and to his surprise, he found Chuck sitting in the common room. Cas didn't know what he was going to say to get Chuck to leave, he wasn't one who was one for going out.

"Um, hey, Chuck." Cas said, and looked at Dean, he wore a smirk on his face. "Chuck, this is Dean. We just met on campus." He knew that Chuck was going to guess why they'd come here, and he didn't know what he was going to say. Chuck knew that Cas wasn't one for hooking up. Cas didn't want to have to actually talk about why he had asked Dean back with him. Cas put his keys in the bowl by the door, and moved to get them both something to drink. He handed Dean a wine cooler, who smirked at Cas, but he took it. Cas opened his own, and took a sip. He watched Chuck carefully, still not sure what Chuck was going to say. It was making him a little nervous. Cas didn't want Dean to know how much of a nerd he really was, even if he was gorgeous. Cas knew how good looking he was.

Twisting his head, Chuck met Cas' eye, and then he saw Dean. "What the fuck, Dean?" Chuck asked, and saw the surprise on Dean's face. "You never called me back." Chuck accused, as he stood. Folding his arms. Cas looked at him in surprise, but Chuck didn't turn his look to his roommate. Chuck didn't know what had made him sleep with Dean Winchester. He wasn't into guys usually, and he wasn't sure that he was now. But Dean had hurt him, and Chuck didn't think that he should get away with it. Chuck met Dean's eye, to his credit, he was looking sorry. "I'm not going to say that I was expecting some big romance from a hookup at a college party, but you could have at least told me that you weren't going to call me."

It was something that Dean regretted. Chuck had been the first guy that Dean had hooked up with. He hadn't expected that, he was so drunk, and Chuck had been sort of flirting while they'd been drinking. Dean hadn't known what to do, but then all of a sudden, he'd kissed Chuck, and they were having sex. They'd been in a bedroom at some frat. Dean really did feel bad what he'd done to Chuck. He had actually meant to call him, ask him out for a real date, but he'd gotten scared. He hadn't been sure if he was gay or bisexual, and he hadn't known what to say to Chuck. "Chuck, honestly, I am sorry. I didn't intend to not call you back, I swear. I was actually going to ask you out, because that was amazing sex." Dean meant that, and his face was covered in a blush. Dean didn't usually blush, and Chuck's eyebrow raised a bit, as if he knew that.

Taking a deep breath, Dean really hoped that Cas wasn't going to be freaked out or want to not be with Dean because of this conversation. Dean knew that if he did, it was Dean's own fault for his past mistakes. Dean took a sip of his wine cooler, he secretly liked them, even if they were totally what college girls got drunk on. He didn't try and move towards Chuck, but he did do his best to look apologetic. "I just, that was my first time with a guy, Chuck, and I didn't know what to do. Actually, the sex was really good. I wanted to ask you out. But then I got scared. I didn't know if I wanted to be gay or bi, and I was just so nervous. I did have sex with a few more guys, actually, and I know now that I'm bisexual, and if it makes you feel any better, it was because of you. You really did help me find myself and I'm grateful to you."

That wasn't something that Chuck had expected Dean to say. And since he was going through the same thing, he couldn't be mad at Dean. "I can get that. I'm going through the same thing. I'm glad that I was able to help you. I'm still struggling with things." This he knew was going to be a surprise to Cas, they hadn't really talked about Chuck's sex with other people. They were friends, and they hung out, but Chuck hadn't known how to tell Cas. Plus, he knew that Cas was gay, and he hadn't wanted to make things awkward with them by a hookup possibly happening. Chuck didn't want to ruin what they had going, it was actually pretty nice and Chuck didn't want to have to try and avoid Cas or something.

Cas watched them, and then they hugged. Cas had to admit, he was jealous. He knew it was insane, because he hadn't even known Dean at the time, but Cas honestly couldn't help it. When the hug broke, both boys were smiling. Cas felt the need to move across the room, and reach down and take Dean's hand, holding tightly. Dean looked at him, smiling, seeming to know what Cas was doing. Cas gave him a "who me?" look and wasn't able to keep from blushing when Dean smiled at him and leaned out, kissing him. Cas tugged on Dean's hand. "Come on, let's go to my room. We can order food or something." Cas said, not looking towards Chuck at all. He knew he didn't have a right to be mad at Chuck, they weren't anything but friends and he didn't have a right to know who he slept with. But he was already feeling like Dean was his, as crazy as that was, and he was totally jealous that Chuck had gotten to sleep with him first.

They reached Cas' room, and he closed the door, pulling out a Chinese food menu from the place that was in the next building over. Cas started to look at it, sitting on the bed. Dean moved with him, sitting behind Cas and wrapping his arms around Cas' waist. Cas blushed. He leaned back into Dean, and held up the menu. "What do you want? I'm kind of in the mood for cashew chicken and lo mein noodles." He said, turning his head so he could look at Dean. He was smiling, and it honestly was one of the most beautiful things Cas had ever seen. Cas leaned up and kissed him then, their tongues melding together softly. Cas didn't know what he was going to do already if Dean walked away. Cas knew that he wasn't going to be able to handle that. Did love really happen this way? That you were attached so immediately and couldn't stand to be away. Didn't that happen after you'd known someone for awhile?

Dean broke the kiss to breathe, and he looked into that gorgeous face. Dean knew that Cas was going to be his kryptonite, and he didn't know what he was going to do if they broke up or something. Dean knew that he hadn't ever believed in love at first sight, but now he was really attached to Cas already. He knew that he wasn't going to be surviving if Cas walked away. Dean peered at the menu over Cas' shoulder. "Hmmm, I think I want the sweet and sour chicken and fried rice. We should totally get some pot stickers, too, those are the shit." Dean loved Chinese food, it was definitely his hangover food of choice. He took a sip of his wine cooler and set the half drunk bottle on Cas' bedside table. He brushed his hand through Cas' hair, brushing it off his forehead. Dean honestly hadn't ever seen someone so good looking before, guy or girl.

"Cas? Can I say something that might freak you out?" Dean asked, not sure why he was about to utter the words that he was about to say. He had never said them to anyone that he'd not been related to. Dean knew that he meant them though, and he wanted to say them. That was what was getting him, that he really wanted to say them. Dean really didn't want Cas to say no, that he didn't want to hear what Dean had to say. He really did mean it. He looked into Cas' eyes, and he felt like he could see into Cas' soul. It was so strange. It felt like Dean had known Cas a long time, and he didn't really know why or was able to even think of an idea of why.

When Dean asked that, Cas nodded. He thought he knew what Dean was going to say, and when Dean said those three little words, Cas felt butterflies in his stomach. He knew that it never happened this way, out of a romance novel, but Cas really knew that Dean meant it. And when he moved his lips to say it back, he knew that he meant it too. "I love you, too, Dean." Cas said, smiling at him. Cas kissed him then, and they fell backwards on Cas' bed, kissing deeply. Cas laid one of his hands on Dean's hip, his fingers hooking through Dean's belt loops of his jeans. Cas felt Dean's hand move under his tee shirt, stroking Cas' abs. Cas shivered, Dean's fingers playing in the hair in his treasure trail. He shivered again as Dean's hand moved along the waistband of his jeans. Cas shivered more as Dean's mouth moved over his neck, and began to suck lightly.

They moved, taking off clothes and dropping them on the floor. Cas let Dean take the lead, he wasn't sure what they should do and Dean seemed to have an idea. Cas had of course slept with someone before, but it was only two guys. He'd been in a long term relationship in high school, and then Michael. Cas knew that Dean was more experienced than he was. That didn't bother him, only in that Cas didn't know if he was going to be able to be as good as Dean at it. Cas wanted it to be good for Dean, too. There was no rushing, just slow and tender. Cas was slowly growing harder, and he didn't know what he was going to do about being his usual top. He could do being a bottom, if Dean was a top. It was hard to know without asking, and Cas was really scared to do so. Not really sure why.

Dean kissed Cas' neck, and he let his hand move slowly over Cas' pelvis, and he really wanted to ask Cas if he liked rimming. Dean hadn't really gotten to do it with more than a couple of guys, but he really liked it. Dean wasn't sure why, when he'd been with girls it wasn't something he'd ever wanted to try. He HAD been pegged by a girl though, and it had been amazing. He lifted his mouth off Cas' neck so he could look into this eyes. Before they went any further, Dean needed to know some things. He brushed his fingers through the hair on Cas' forehead. "Cas? Before we go on there's a couple of things I want to know. Are you a top or a bottom? Because honestly, I'm good with either. I like both. And…. there's something I want to do, but if you aren't into it, I understand. Some people aren't." Dean said, and watched as Cas' eyebrow raised.

"I swear, it's nothing super freaky. I just, do you like rimming?" He asked. Cas' eyes widened a little, but he nodded. Dean blushed deeply. He hadn't expected that. He blushed more, and Cas smiled at him. "I didn't want to just do it without asking first." Dean knew that there were people who had issues with certain sexual things and he didn't want to be someone who didn't acknowledge that. Dean had his own issues, actually, when it came to sex. But he didn't want to get into that with Cas just yet. He didn't want to trigger and then not be able to do this. Dean blushed some more and they moved around, Cas sitting on all fours on the bed so Dean could get at his entrance.

Licking his lips, Dean parted Cas' ass cheeks, and saw that small pucker of Cas' anus. He shivered in anticipation, and his mouth moved closer, his tongue darting out along his entrance, and Cas shivered. Dean's hand moved to his own cock, and began to stroke, as he tongued Cas, he couldn't believe that Cas was into this. It was like Christmas. Dean cupped his balls, and licked around the edges of Cas' anus, his other hand on Cas' ass, bracing himself. Dean licked harder, and Cas moaned, his breath coming in pants. Dean thumb ran over Cas' hole, and he stopped licking to lick his finger, sliding it into Cas. He moved it inside him, as his hand moved faster over his dick. He was going to come, just from licking Cas and sticking a finger inside him.

Cas gasped as Dean's finger was inside him, and then he heard Dean grunting as he came. Cas grinned as Dean's finger slid out of him and he laid back on the bed. Cas grinned more and reached to give Dean an old towel to clean himself up. Cas straddled him, his hands running along Dean's chest, and his cock was rock hard, laying against Dean's stomach. Cas licked his lips, Dean was already starting to get hard again, Cas wondered if it was because he was straddling him, or if it was his cock laying against Dean's stomach. Cas let his fingers move down Dean's chest, and through the hair on his abs. "Are you ready for me to be inside?" Cas asked, meeting those green eyes. He didn't know how, but those eyes bored into his soul, and Cas felt like he'd known Dean his entire life. It was so weird. But it was a good kind of weird, he could feel butterflies in his stomach whenever he looked into those eyes.

When Dean licked his lips and nodded, Cas reached into his bedside table drawer and pulled out a condom and some lube. He rolled one of the condoms on himself, and spread some lube over it, Dean was practically shivering with anticipation. Cas moved, and Dean lay on his stomach, Cas parting Dean's ass cheeks and moving inside him slowly at first, and then Dean reached out and brushed Cas' hand, and Cas knew that that meant that he could go further inside. So he did, feeling himself brush up against Dean's prostate. Dean gasped and cursed out loud, something Cas didn't really do and it made him blush. Cas moved his hips a bit faster, he was already very turned on. Dean was apparently in heaven, because he was moaning into the pillow his face was pressed into. Cas' hands were settled on Dean's hips as he pushed, stroking the skin there softly.

It was a couple minutes later, and Cas was coming, gasping out Dean's name, and there was a moan from Dean that Cas knew was him coming again. He'd have to change the sheets, but he didn't mind that. Easing out of Dean, who immediately turned to lay on his back, panting. Cas tossed out the condom in the bathroom, coming back in with another old towel, reaching to help wipe up Dean's stomach and cock. Dean's eyes were closed, and he was letting out a soft "mmm" sound as Cas touched him. Cas put the towel in the hamper and then laid next to Dean, avoiding the stained part of the sheets. He brushed his hand across Dean's chest, who was now humming a song under his breath.

"Fuckin' A, Cas." Dean gasped, as Cas moved to get his cell phone, to call and order the Chinese. He giggled as Dean opened his eyes, setting them on the naked Adonis next to him. Dean brushed his hand over his face, his breath was back to normal. There was a knock on the door, and Cas looked up surprised. Dean shared a look with him and then called out, "Chuck? Is that you?" When there was a grunt of acknowledgment, Dean said, "Come in, I guess." He reached and covered them up with a blanket, not wanting to have Cas be reminded that Chuck had seen his junk before. Not that it would matter, that was the best sex of his life and he definitely didn't want to get with Chuck. Dean knew that whatever it was with Cas, it was serious.

When Chuck stepped into the room, he made no notice of where they were and how they were naked, but Dean knew that Chuck had noticed. Dean was sure he wasn't surprised. Dean looked at him. "What's up, man?" Dean asked, wondering what it was, Cas was on the phone with the Chinese place, telling them what they'd ordered. Dean looked at Chuck. "You want some Chinese food while Cas is ordering?" When Chuck shook his head no, Dean was surprised. But he wasn't going to force Chuck to eat Chinese if he didn't want to. So he didn't press him. Dean kept his eyes on Chuck, wondering what it was he wanted. He was sure that Chuck had heard the sex, as much as Dean had tried to muffle his enjoyment, he hadn't really been able to.

When Chuck found them in bed, he honestly wasn't surprised. He just hoped that Dean wasn't going to end up hurting Cas, since Chuck knew and could tell that Dean wasn't the relationship type. "Tell Cas when he's done that Jo called the dorm phone for him." He had often wondered if Jo was ever going to get a crush on him. He had known her as long as he'd known Cas, they'd all had a class together freshman year. Jo had been in love with Cas at the time, and Chuck had felt sorry for her, because it was obvious that Cas was gay and had been all of his life. Chuck hadn't wanted Jo to get hurt, and thankfully, she didn't, but it was because she'd dated some jock guy for most of sophomore year before he'd dumped her.

He met Dean's eye, and Chuck said, "Can I talk to you alone for a minute? Put on something and come out here, would you?" He wanted to tell Dean not to hurt Cas. He didn't know what he would do if it came to having to rough him up a bit, because while Dean _looked_ slight, he wasn't. Chuck waited until he'd nodded, and then went out and closed the door, giving Dean the time to get dressed. Chuck wasn't going to let Cas get used by a player. Chuck knew that he didn't know Dean well, but he'd been living in New York for as long as they had, and he'd been sleeping his way through NYU and Columbia. Chuck knew Dean's reputation. Chuck didn't want Cas to get involved with another Michael.

A couple of minutes later, Dean stepped out of the bedroom, wearing a pair of boxer briefs and a tee shirt. Dean sized Chuck up, wondering what this was about. Although now that he thought about it, it was most likely a warning not to hurt Cas. But he understood that, from what Chuck knew he was a player. Dean wasn't angry that he was trying to look out for Cas. In all actuality, Dean was glad that there was someone who had Cas' best interests at heart, besides Dean himself. And honestly, even though they'd just met, he did have Cas' best interests at heart. He ran a hand through his messed up sex hair and looked at Chuck. "What's the skinny, man?" Dean asked, watching him with wary eyes. He just hoped that Chuck wasn't about to like, punch him or something.

What came out of Chuck's mouth Dean wasn't surprised about. "Dean, I know your rep. And I'm not judging you for it. You're safe, you're not pretending to be anything that you aren't. But Dean, Cas is a monogamy guy. His last boyfriend really did a number on him, and I am not in a hurry to see that again. I know that you're not a commitment guy. And that's fine. Not everyone is. I don't care if you are or not. But you are not going to hurt Cas, okay? If this is something that you're serious about, okay. I'll back off. But if you're going to end up not calling him, you will regret it." None of this surprised Dean, and he knew that he had to convince Chuck that he really wasn't going to just leave Cas in the lurch.

Dean met Chuck's eye, and he said, "I know that you don't know me any differently. It's okay. I know that I hurt you. I know that I've hurt a lot of people. And I can't take back what I did. But I swear to you, I am not going to hurt Cas. I can't explain it, and I know Cas can't either. But there's something here. I told him I loved him, and I meant it. I have never been into the whole love at first sight thing, but I know that's what this is. It feels like I've known Cas my entire life. I don't know what's going on yet. But I'm not leaving him. I'm going to stick around and find out."

Before Chuck could reply, Cas poked his head out of the bedroom. "Dean, baby, I ordered food." He said. He could tell that they'd been talking about him. He watched them both and then Dean gave him a smile and leaned to kiss him, telling Cas he was headed toward the bathroom, and Cas gestured to where it was. Once Dean had walked out of earshot, Cas turned to look at Chuck. "Were you giving him the don't hurt Cas speech?" He asked, folding his arms. He appreciated that Chuck was looking out for him, but he could take care of himself. Even Jo hadn't given him a lecture, just had asked him to be careful. Cas was sure that Chuck was just trying to avoid seeing him like he had been with the breakup from Michael. However, Cas knew that he was going to be fine. He couldn't explain why, but he knew that this was going to work out. More than he had ever been sure about anything in his life.

A slight nod from Chuck, and Cas sighed. "Chuck, I can take care of myself. I appreciate the looking out. I really do. But I can take care of myself. I can't tell you how I know, but I know that this is going to work. I'm not going to say forever just yet, because that would be crazy. But we do love each other. For some reason we're lucky enough to have fallen in love at first sight." Cas knew that it didn't work that way ever, if not a movie or a book, but he knew that this was it. It was love. Cas met Chuck's eye, who looked skeptical and a lot so. Cas brushed his hand through his hair as he unfolded his arms. Dean was on his way back, chuckling to himself. Cas smiled at him as he approached.

"Come on, Dean, we can go get something to drink while we wait for the food." He reached out and took Dean's hand, meeting Chuck's eye once more before they headed into the kitchen.

The next morning, Cas woke up to a sunny, snowy morning. It was too early for snow, it was only the end of October. Dean was still asleep next to him, and Cas leaned to kiss his cheek and then headed out to the kitchen, once he'd put on a robe. There had been more sex the night before. He moved to start the coffee maker. Cas didn't have any classes today, the one he did have had been cancelled. Cas looked out the window, the snow was really coming down. Cas wondered why it was snowing in October. He turned on the television, moving to the news to see what the weather was. He muted it though, he didn't need to hear what the actual news was. He hummed under his breath, a Bon Jovi song. As he got out some eggs and bacon, Dean came in, singing the words to the song Cas was humming.

This made Cas grin, Dean had a great singing voice. He'd actually sung Cas something the night before. He just wished Dean had had his guitar. They'd talked so much the night before. Cas was so glad that they'd gotten so much covered when it came to that. Cas knew all about the fact that Dean missed his brother and they hadn't spoken in a long time. Cas had told him that he'd not really spoken to his family either. He knew that it didn't matter to him if he did, but he knew that Dean wanted his brother back in his life. Cas leaned to kiss him, morning breath be damned. He grinned when the kiss broke. He ran his hand through Dean's hair, who apparently enjoyed that, his eyes closed at the contact.

"I'm making breakfast, you can stay, right?" Cas asked hopefully.

Dean worked as a mechanic, and he mostly did his own hours, because he didn't work at a shop. He just worked out of his garage. He had good word of mouth though, and while he wasn't a Rockefeller, he was doing okay mostly. Sometimes he did temporary construction to supplement his income. He actually couldn't really work today if it was snowing, it was too cold in his garage. He had a place not far from here, it had been given to him with a good break on the rent, and he'd been glad. It was one of those once in a lifetime thing. He said, "Well I work as a mechanic, like I told you, and if it's snowing I shouldn't really work. I've got a car I'm working on, and then there's gonna be another when I'm finished with that one." He smiled when Cas grinned widely. "I can be here with you all day if you want, baby." Dean told him, as he moved to help Cas with breakfast, he couldn't cook much but he could do that. Do breakfast food, that was. He put some toast in the toaster, but he didn't pop it down yet, Cas was just putting the scrambled eggs on.

"I can't believe how amazing last night was." Dean said, the sex truly had been the most amazing sex of his life. Cas had even did some rimming on him, and Dean had had the best orgasm of his life. Dean was still kind of shaking from it and it had been hours ago. He glanced at the clock. It was eleven. A little later than he normally got up, but then again, it depended on what he was doing the night before. He wasn't sure what time they'd drifted off, but it was sort of on the late side. He groaned with pleasure when the coffee maker made a noise, indicating that it was finished percolating. Cas showed him where the mugs were and Dean got out a couple, pouring some in a mug for himself with a dash of milk and sugar and then took a sip.

"God, that's good coffee." Dean said.

Cas put the eggs in the pan, and got out a spatula, the bacon was already on the stove. He knew that Dean loved bacon, it had been one of the things he'd told him the night before. He had been pleased because he loved bacon himself. He hummed under his breath and added some cheese to the eggs. He liked co jack on his eggs, and Dean didn't speak up and say no so he figured it was okay. "You want butter and jelly or just butter on toast?" Cas asked, as he flipped some of the bacon and then poured his own coffee. When Dean said jelly too, he had to give him options between apple, blackberry, strawberry, and grape, they ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly, poor college students, you know.

He bustled about the kitchen, Chuck had a class at ten so he was most likely not home. Cas didn't envy him with the snow fall outside. He brushed his hand across his scruffy face. He was debating shaving, he usually wasn't a beard guy, he was a stubble person. Dean hadn't said much about what he liked or not, so Cas hadn't done anything with it yet. He didn't know if he wanted to get rid of it if Dean liked it. But Cas was already on the opinion that Dean didn't care what he looked like, he loved him for Cas. Cas put the toast down in the toaster as the eggs got more done. The bacon was almost done too. He sipped his coffee and then got out some plates.

"What do you want to do with the day? My only class was cancelled, and despite not studying last night I'm actually doing pretty good on studying. So I don't really have to do anything today." Cas worked data entry from home so he could supplement his income, however, he had his trust that had been left to him and it was there at his disposal, even if he knew that his parents wouldn't want him to have it. However, they couldn't do anything and so Cas had the money to do with what he pleased, and since he'd gotten in on a scholarship school was paid for already. Cas did his best to keep his grades up so he didn't lose it.

That was the question of the day. Dean moved to him, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist. He just wanted to touch him. Dean knew this was love for sure, he couldn't keep his hands off Cas' body. The night before they'd slept most of the night cuddling. Dean had never done that before. He had actually liked that. He let his hand slip underneath the top of the robe, stroking Cas' manfully hairy chest. Dean liked that, actually, be a man, have some hair on your chest. He'd shaved it before, but only if a girl wanted him too, and most of the time they didn't. He let his fingers play in the hair there, and Cas shivered under his touch. "I don't care, baby, as long as we're together." Dean finally said, leaning to kiss Cas' neck.

His boyfriend shivered under his touch and lips. Dean said, "After breakfast, we should totally have some shower sex." Dean knew he was addicted already. It was insane. He'd never imagined that there was better sex out there than what he'd been having. And Dean knew it was because he and Cas had feelings for each other. He didn't know that being in love with someone was so amazing. Dean definitely still wasn't issue free but he wasn't scared of having a boyfriend. Dean untied the robe, glad to find Cas was naked underneath. His hand moved down Cas' abs, stroking the hair that led down to his treasure trail. He just wanted to have his hands on Cas.

Cas shivered under Dean's touch, and he reluctantly stepped away, to take the food off the burners and then butter and jelly toast. "I'm sorry, Dean, I just don't want the food to burn. But you know I never want you to not be touching me." He said, and then they both laughed. "You know what I mean." Cas clarified, amidst the giggles. He put the food on the table, and pulled his robe closed. Dean's face comically fell. He laughed again and kissed him. "I promise, shower sex." Cas said, and then Dean froze when his cell phone rang.

Dean pulled it off the counter, where he'd left it the night before. "Hello?" He asked, and Cas watched his face turn white. What the hell was going on?

 _ **Author's note: So, yeah, I really have no reason to start a work in progress fic but I couldn't help it. All of the Destiel feels are ruling my hands. Plus, I wanted to explore Dean and Cas at a different point in their lives. XD. Also, it's my first time writing Chuck, so be gentle. I tried to get him as IC as I could, but it's also AU so it gives me a little bit of freedom. I hope ya'll like and I will do my best to keep this updated. It's also one of the ones on gdocs so it's a bit easier to update, fyi.**_


	2. Me And You

Chapter Two: Me and You

When Dean heard the voice asking him if he was Samuel Winchester's emergency contact, Dean could feel his knees buckling. "Um, yeah, I'm Dean Winchester, he's my brother. What is this about?" Dean asked. Sam wasn't even supposed to be in college yet, he'd taken classes to graduate early so he could go as soon as possible. He was only 17. Dean had custody, but they managed to fool anyone from the state if they tried to stick their noses in. Dean knew that Sam had taken summers off too, and so he was already a sophomore, when he should just be a junior in high school. Dean had protested Sam going to school so quickly, he'd been one to think that you should spend time being a kid, not working so hard. Dean knew that Sam wasn't one to stick around home, and he knew why Sam had been so quick to get away. He hadn't wanted to be around Dean and John. That hurt Dean more than he wanted to admit.

Then he heard the nurse telling him that there had been an accident. Sam had been in a car accident, and they were telling Dean that he was in a coma. Dean brushed his hand over his chin. He met Cas' eyes, who was looking at him with a concerned expression. Dean listened and then asked, "So…. how serious is it? I mean, do you think he'll wake up?" His free hand reached out, and Cas' fingers slid into his easily. Dean took a breath as he tightened his grip on Cas' fingers. Dean couldn't imagine what Sam must be going through, and all he had left was Sam. He couldn't lose him. He really wished that he'd waked and baked, because this was one of the worst things that could have happened. Dean's breath caught in his throat as they told him they couldn't tell him that over the phone, that it would be better if he came to talk to the doctor.

He heard himself tell the nurse he'd be there as soon as he could get a flight out, that he'd be coming from New York. Dean spoke a bit more and then hung up, his phone still in his hand, and Dean looked at it in shock. Dean didn't know what he was going to tell Cas, he knew that he had to tell him the truth. Dean's eyes brushed with tears, and his chin trembled. Dean's voice was quiet as he said, "Cas, my brother's in a coma." The words felt strange to his ears, and he knew that it was true, even if he didn't want to admit it to himself.

Cas looked at Dean, his fingers still clutching Dean's. "Oh, baby…" Cas said, watching Dean's chin quivering. He leaned out and took Dean in his arms, Dean crying on Cas' shoulder. He knew how devastated Dean was going to be if something happened to his brother. Cas knew that Dean loved him more than anything else in the world. He also knew that Dean had had to raise Sam mostly by himself, since John had had to work so hard to keep a roof over their heads. That was something else they'd covered the night before. Cas knew that there was nothing he could say that was going to make this better. He wished there was. He knew that there wasn't and he hated that. Cas stroked Dean's back. "I'm sorry, baby, you know that I am." He knew that that wasn't going to help much but he knew that it would some. Cas listened to Dean's sobs, and he wished that he could do something more than he was doing. It was so hard to hear Dean be this upset and not be able to do anything.

It wasn't really fair. Cas had Dean sit down at the table, even if Dean might not be as hungry as he was, he still had to eat. He nudged Dean's plate closer to him when he'd sat down. Cas met those green eyes, which reminded him of the green in the leaves on the lane back home on the plantation. Cas' family had been extremely rich for years, during the Civil War they'd barely managed to keep their land, Cas still wasn't sure how and no one had ever really explained it to him. The entire South had been ravaged, and especially after Sherman's March. Cas honestly had been on the North's side when he'd been younger, and he was still sure that was the case. It hadn't been just slavery like everyone thought it was. Cas missed the plantation house, it had actually been burned down during Sherman's March and his family had had to restore it during the Reconstruction years. So it wasn't as old as it should be. It was still very old however, and Cas had used to hide in the dumbwaiter when he'd been wanting to get away from the yelling his parents had done.

Cas knew how hard this was on Dean, especially when he didn't eat with the same gusto he'd had the night before with dinner. Cas didn't want to force him to talk, so he didn't say anything. Just worked on his breakfast. He knew that Dean was going to have to go out to California, and honestly, that was scaring him. This may be love, but it was new. Cas was going to be so worried about him in California. Cas knew it was because of Dean's reputation, and he told himself that nothing was going to happen, Dean was going to visit his brother who was in a coma. He knew how insane it was to be worrying about Dean being unfaithful.

Breakfast was quiet. Dean ate dutifully, knowing that Cas wanted him to. He did know somewhere inside him that he really did need his strength. Dean pushed around most of his food, but he did eat at least enough to satisfy his boyfriend. Dean didn't know what he was going to do if he lost Sam. Sam was the only family he had left. Dean stared at the table, Cas was clearing away the plates, and Dean was fiddling with the handle on his coffee mug. "Cas, I love you." He said, his tone soft. "I know I have no right to ask this. And I know that you might not be able to come. I really want you to, though, please, Cas. I don't have anyone else to ask to help me with this. I need you." Cas turned to face him, tears in his eyes. "Sammy is the only family that I have left. I can't lose him and be alone if it happens. Please, Cas, come with me. If it looks like it's going to be awhile you can always come home."

It wasn't fair of him to ask, Dean knew that. But he also knew that he couldn't get through this without Cas. Dean's voice was rough as he spoke again. "Cas, I know how insane it is to ask you to come. I know that. I also know that you don't have any obligation to come. We met yesterday, in love or not." Dean was going to say more when Cas crossed the room and kissed him, deeply. Dean was too surprised to do anything but kiss back. When the kiss broke, Cas told Dean that he didn't even have to 'd move some things around and go with him. Dean's eyes overflowed with the tears that were brimming in his eyes. He knew that he'd really hit the jackpot with Cas. Dean wasn't sure what he'd done to get Cas, he didn't believe in fate, but this was starting to feel like it. Dean started to cry, and Cas brushed some of the tears off his cheeks.

"You don't have to do this alone, Dean."

Brushing some tears off Dean's cheeks, Cas kissed his nose. "Why don't you go and shower, and I'll get the plane tickets. Stanford California, right?" He asked, and Dean nodded. "Chuck and I both have separate bathrooms, mine's just off my bedroom. There are clothes in the dresser that will fit, even if they're not your style." He told him, watching a small smile play on Dean's lips through his tears. Cas brushed his lips over Dean's again and let him go off into the bedroom. Cas leaned against the counter. He looked up at the ceiling. He was going to have some words with God. Cas wasn't sure that he believed in God, and he wished that he did sometimes. "So, I don't know why you're choosing to torture this family again… but I really wish you wouldn't. Dean is an amazing person. I barely know him but I know that's true. You can't hurt him like this anymore. Please, don't let something happen to his brother."

It honestly wasn't what Cas had planned for their day. But he knew that God had apparently had other plans. Cas moved to the communal computer, and started to look up airplane ticket prices. He didn't know what he was going to tell Dean when there wasn't a flight till later that night. But it was the only choice they had. Driving or grabbing a bus would take too long, Cas knew that Dean wasn't going to want to wait that long. Cas hated that Dean was going to have to wait all day to find out what was happening with Sam. He knew it was the freak snow storm. Cas just hoped that it would let up sometime soon. The flight wasn't until ten o'clock, and he knew that it was going to be a long day for Dean. Cas purchased the tickets, hoping that Dean wasn't going to try and pay him for them, Cas didn't mind doing this for him. Dean may be doing okay but Cas didn't want him to have to shell out money for this, not when Cas had it covered.

Dean came out of the shower, dressed in a pair of Cas' jeans, which he'd had to roll up a bit, just because Cas was just an inch or two taller than he was, and a soft grey sweater. Dean hadn't been able to see himself wearing anything else in the dresser or closet. Dean moved to the couch, Cas was sitting there, and there was some rerun of something Dean had never seen before on the television. Dean sat down with him, curling up with his knees underneath him and leaning his head on Cas' shoulder, who put his arm around him. Dean was quiet a moment,and then he said, "Did you get the tickets?" Dean had no idea how to really use a computer, and he knew that he'd have been useless trying to do that. When Cas told him the flight wasn't until ten that night, Dean's eyes brushed with tears. He knew that Cas couldn't help it though, he'd done what he could. There was no getting around it.

He just hated that he had to wait all day, Sam could die in those hours. Dean didn't want to have to worry about if he missed it because he was stuck in New York. Dean looked out the window, the snow was still falling pretty heavily. Dean was starting to wonder if they'd even get to the airport today. What if flights were shut down? Dean really didn't think he could handle having to be here another day here while Sam was in California in a coma. Dean brushed his hand across his scruffy chin and tried to focus on what Cas was watching on television. Dean wasn't sure that it was something he would watch on his own. Dean stroked circles on Cas' stomach, not able to help himself. He was hoping that it was going to help him feel better.

"I'm scared, Cas."

When Dean told him that he was scared, Cas wasn't a bit surprised. He didn't know that he blamed him. If it had been someone in his family he'd be just as scared, even if they didn't care that Cas existed. Since he was gay and all. Cas stroked Dean's arm. He was trying to be what Dean needed, and honestly, he had no idea how to do that. "I know you are, Dean. It's completely reasonable to be scared. But I know that you shouldn't worry more than you are, because right now there is literally nothing you can do. Waiting sucks but you can't do anything about it. You've done all you can do for now, so try to relax a little. Worrying that much isn't good for anyone, least of all Sam." Cas hoped that wasn't too harsh for Dean to hear, and he'd said it in the calmest voice that he could. He knew that Dean needed to hear it. It was true that he couldn't do anything more than he had done.

Cas handed Dean the remote. "Pick something you want to watch and we'll watch that, okay?" He said, and Dean nodded. Cas let him flip through the channels, and wasn't surprised when Dean settled on an old Western. Cas didn't like them himself but he knew that Dean did, that was one of the things that had come up the night before. Cas watched Dean's face, he wasn't crying anymore but he still looked worried, and like he wasn't really focused on the movie. Cas stroked his arm and Dean's head burrowed further into Cas' neck. Cas was just glad that he could be here for him. He knew that Dean didn't really have many friends. Cas was sorry that he had to go through life like that. It really wasn't fair.

Before Cas could say anything more, there was a knock at the door. Cas reluctantly got up to get it. He moved to the door and opened it, it was Charlie Bradbury, a lesbian friend of his from his creative writing class. "Hey, Charlie." Cas said, stepping back to let her in. He wondered what she was here for. They were friends but they didn't hang out a lot. Charlie had a major crush on Jo, and Cas felt bad for her because it was never going to happen.

Charlie stepped in, her bookbag was over her shoulder. "Hey, Cas. I was hoping maybe I could hang out for a bit, my roommate's shagging her stupid boyfriend and I can't be around that." She caught sight of Dean on the couch, and looked at Cas. "No way, you have a boy over?" She asked, watching him blush. She couldn't believe it, it had been awhile since Michael. "I am so proud of you!" She told him, smacking his arm lightly. She didn't know what she was going to do if he got a boyfriend and she still didn't have a girlfriend. She could tell there was something going on though, Cas was being quiet despite her praise. "What's up, Cas? What's with the look?" She could tell when he was upset.

That was a loaded question. He said, "Yes, I have a boy here, his name is Dean Winchester and he's my boyfriend." Cas felt pretty confident in saying that, since they'd already told each other they loved each other. Cas knew that Charlie wouldn't pressure him or think it was insane that he and Dean had jumped so quickly into this. Charlie was a romantic at heart. Cas didn't know what to tell her about what was going on, not without Dean's permission. "There's… we're going to be out of town for at least a couple of days." He finally said, he didn't want to go into detail unless Dean said it was okay. He watched her face, and he knew that she was trying to gauge how serious it was on his face. Since he hadn't announced it happily.

Then he realized that she'd asked him about what the look had been about. "Charlie, I can't tell you what it is, that's Dean's news to tell you or not." He said, as they walked into the living room. Dean was staring at the television as if in a trance. Cas could tell that wasn't good. He moved to sit down next to Dean, who immediately snuggled back up into him. "Charlie, this is Dean, he's my boyfriend. Dean, this is a friend of mine, Charlie." Dean looked at her and nodded, before he buried his head back into Cas' neck. Cas met Charlie's eyes, and he wondered exactly what she was thinking. It was hard to know. Cas watched as she settled on the floor next to the coffee table and started pulling out books and things so she could do her homework. Cas wrapped an arm around Dean, stroking his side softly. He knew that Dean just needed to relax, there was nothing they could do about the flight not being until later.

Dean kept his head buried in Cas' neck. He mumbled something that was a greeting to Charlie, and he knew that Charlie was going to wonder what was going on. He just couldn't tell her. He couldn't say the words out loud, because then it would make it real. He didn't want to make it real. Dean took a shaky breath, and he smelled Cas, who smelled like Old Spice. It was a great smell. Dean was rapidly coming to think of that smell as home. He would never be able to smell Old Spice without thinking of Cas. Dean himself wore Ralph Lauren, just because he was a mechanic didn't mean that he couldn't smell good. He hadn't had any here though so he was wearing Old Spice too. He supposed that the silver lining to this, the flight not being until later, he could stop and pack some of his own things from his apartment.

The movie kept playing, but Dean just listened to it, and he listened to Cas and Charlie chattering about their school friends and classes and things. He didn't know what he was going to do if he lost Sam. He knew that losing Sam might push him over the edge, and he could lose Cas. Dean hadn't been over the edge in a long time, but he didn't think that Cas would still want to be with him if he did go off the deep end. Cas was a good person, Dean could tell. Dean wasn't someone who followed rules if he didn't have to. He'd run some credit card scams in his time. Not a lot, but if he needed it he did. Dean didn't want to go off the rails and risk losing Cas. There was no way that he was going to find someone who loved him like Cas did already, and he knew how special that was.

The next afternoon, they were in Stanford. They had pulled up in the visitor's' parking lot, and they were walking up to the hospital. Dean was holding Cas' hand tightly, fingers laced together. Dean was nervous as hell. He'd called the hospital as soon as they'd gotten off the plane, and they'd told him there had been no change, which Dean was trying to look at as a good thing. He didn't know if he could really do this, but he knew that he had to. They had stopped to get food on the way, they were smuggling in some burgers and fries in Cas' messenger bag. They had a hotel nearby, they'd taken a quick nap before they'd gotten here. Dean was trying to keep his voice stoic, and he didn't know what he was going to do if Sam had passed since he'd spoken to a doctor. He looked at Cas. "Do you…. Do you think… Sammy's okay?" He finally asked, his voice wobbling a bit.

That caused Cas to squeeze Dean's fingers. "I am sure he's going to be okay, Dean. You have to be as positive as you can about this. You can't go into this thinking that you're going to lose him." Cas led them through the glass doors, and they headed for the ICU. They already knew where he was located, they'd told them over the phone. Only because Dean was family. Cas slowed as they reached Sam's room, and he turned to Dean. "Do you want me to go in with you at first?" He asked, not sure what Dean was going to say. When Dean nodded, they stepped inside. Cas' eyes brushed with tears, and he didn't even know Sam. But Dean's face remained stoic. He sat down in a chair next to Sam's bed, and Cas started getting out the food. He knew that this was going to be hard on him, and he just wanted to do the best he could to be there for Dean. He didn't know what else to say. It wasn't something that Cas had ever had to deal with before, and it was a new territory. He just didn't want to do the wrong thing so he was doing his best to be there for Dean.

Dean was quiet, and accepted the burger and fries Cas passed him on a paper plate. He'd also gotten a strawberry milkshake, because he knew it was Sammy's favorite. Dean sniffled as he took a sip of it. He knew that he didn't have to speak to Cas, they could sit in a room and just be. Dean knew that that was rare to feel that with someone. It was what everyone was looking for. Dean was scared that Cas may be it, because he wasn't sure that he was ready for that yet, but he knew that he could get ready if he had to. Dean already didn't want to give Cas up. He also knew that he didn't have to. He took a bite of his burger and chewed. He heard Cas' phone ring, and Cas had to step out and take it, it was Jo. Dean watched him go. A feeling of love for him overtook him and his eyes welled with tears.

"I'm gonna marry that guy." Dean whispered, sticking a fry in his mouth.

Outside the room, Cas was talking to Jo. "I don't know how long I'll be. I just think a couple of days, Dean said if it's going to be awhile he'll understand if I need to get back to school." Cas told her. He honestly had a suspicion that it was going to be awhile and he didn't want to say it out loud. Cas sighed as he looked into the room, Dean was eating but he was just watching Sam's monitor and the machine that was helping him breathe. Cas said, "I really think that this is going to end with Sam not waking up. I don't know that Dean's ready to admit that… but that's the feeling I'm getting. I'm scared to death, because I don't know that Dean's going to make it through that. Sam's all the family he has left." Cas didn't know that he could blame Dean though, if he did take it hard. It was hard to lose your family when you actually liked them. He didn't like his family so it wouldn't bother him.

"What do I do, Jo? I mean, I don't know how to do this. You know I don't give two shits about my family. But they don't give a shit about me either. But Dean cares about his brother. I got the feeling that they haven't really spoken in awhile, but Dean cares what happens to him. He raised Sam for the most part after his mom died, their dad was working hard to keep a roof over their head." Cas didn't know what that felt like, to actually love your family. He'd known he was gay ever since he was a young kid, and he knew that they'd known too and hadn't been very accepting with him. Cas hadn't been surprised though, he knew that they'd never accept him for who he was. It wasn't as big a deal in the South as people thought it was, but Cas was from Southern aristocracy, so it was going to be different for him than it was for someone who wasn't.

Making a comforting noise, Jo said, "Cas, you just be there for Dean. I know that you don't have any experience with this, but it doesn't matter as long as you're there for him. If he doesn't ask you for what he needs, just try and be there for him. Make sure he eats, sleeps, you know. He can't be there for Sam if he's not taking care of himself too." Jo hadn't been through something like this either, but she knew that most of it was common sense. She didn't judge Cas though, sometimes he was awkward with human interactions and situations. She wasn't sure why but she knew sometimes he needed a nudge in the right direction on occasion. "You can do this. I know you get nervous, but all Dean needs is for you to be there." Jo didn't know what she would do in his position, but she knew that Cas was going to make it through this. He was a great guy and she could tell that he cared about Dean so much already.

"Cas, what exactly is going on with you and Dean, by the way? I mean, this seemed to get very serious very quickly. I mean, no one would expect you to be there for Dean during this and you didn't even hesitate. That doesn't make you wrong, because actually it's amazing that you did that for him. I just, you know that I don't want to see you hurt. And you have a tendency to get hurt when you jump in with both feet and not having a plan." She didn't know what she would do if Cas got hurt again. She couldn't stand that. Cas was her best friend and she had hated him being hurt like that. "Cas, you know that I love you. And I want you to be happy. But I just worry that you're in too deep already. It's great what you're doing for Dean, it really is. I just don't want to watch you get hurt like you were with Michael."

He did his best to hold back his anger. While he understood that Jo was just trying to help, but now was not the time to bring it up. "Seriously, Jo, you're going to bring this up now?" Cas tried to keep his tone from rising, he didn't want to disturb anyone, and he didn't want Dean to know he was so upset. "Your concerns aren't unwarranted, I know that this has gone fast, but it's my life. Not yours. I don't want to talk about this now. My boyfriend's brother is in there in a coma." This was said sharply, and Cas hung up sharply. He knew that they hadn't fought often, but he wanted her to know that while she had meant well it was the wrong time to talk about it. Cas stood there for a moment, fighting back his anger.

And his eyes brushed with tears, and he hated himself for getting that upset. Cas looked into Sam's room, Dean was finishing up his food, and tossing the trash back in the takeout bag. Cas had to stand there a moment and compose himself before he went inside. "It was Jo." Cas told him, settling back into his seat and reaching for his now lukewarm burger. He took a bite as Dean turned to look at him. "Do you need something else? I told you you might get thirsty if you drank the milkshake." Cas did his best to keep his voice steady, there was no point in upsetting Dean when he didn't have to. His fight with Jo wasn't something that was going to need to be talked about right now.

"What's wrong, Cas? I know that you're upset about something. Spill. I know you're trying not to upset me, but I also know that I need something to focus on that's not Sammy or I'm going to go nuts. So tell me what's going on, baby." Dean said, meeting those blue eyes. They reminded him of the sky, and he could stare into them for hours. That was going to be something he'd have to do as soon as he had some time. Dean kept his gaze on his boyfriend, and he knew that Cas was going to protest but he was determined that his boyfriend tell him what was going on. Even if he didn't want to.

Hesitating, Cas looked into those green eyes and then he decided that he would tell him. He knew that Dean meant it about needing something to keep his mind off Sam. "Jo… she called to see how I was… and then after she told me that what I was doing, being there for you, was noble… then she asked me what I thought I was doing. How serious you and I are getting. Like right now is the time to talk about that." He said, shaking his head, his voice betraying him and shaking a little. Dean looked at him with a sympathetic look on his face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so upset. I just… she knows what's going on, now isn't the time to talk about it." Cas didn't know how Jo could have done this. Even if he got why she was concerned.

Leaning out, Dean kissed him softly. Then he brushed some hair off Cas' forehead. "It's okay, Cas. You don't have to talk to her about us if you don't want to. She's your best friend, that's true. But you don't owe her any explanations. We're us and we know what we want." Dean told him, stroking Cas' jaw. He brushed some tears off his cheek. "I know that we're moving faster than other people do…. But they're not in this relationship, we are. We get to choose how this goes." Dean had to admit, Jo wasn't wrong about what Cas was doing being noble. "She's not wrong about you being here being noble though. You know that no one would expect you to be here with me. I love that you are. But I wouldn't be mad if you took off and went home. I know how heavy this all is."

He brushed some more tears off Cas' face. "I love you. I know how insane it is… But I love you. I love you even more for coming out here with me. I didn't… I am glad that you agreed when I needed you. Because I know that I can't do this without you." His voice was shaking a bit as he spoke. Dean was definitely telling the truth. "I don't know how I would get through this if you weren't here with me. But that being said, I will understand if you need to go back home. We've known each other for two days. I can't expect you to give up your life for me. For Sammy. We have no idea how long he's going to.." Dean broke off, his voice was getting shaky. Cas reached out and thumbed some of the tears off his cheeks, and Dean met those blue eyes.

"Dean, you know that I don't want to be anywhere but here. We don't know anything really yet. I can miss a few days of school, let's just take it one day at a time, okay?" Cas said, brushing his hand through Dean's hair, getting it off his forehead. Cas sighed and said, "I know that it's noble… being here. But you needed me, Dean. I didn't even hesitate. I love you too. And you're right. This is our relationship and we get to decide how it goes." Cas didn't miss the look of relief on Dean's face when Cas said he was going to be able to stay for a few days. Cas knew he was going to have to go back sooner rather than later, but he also knew that he wanted to be here as much as he could for Dean.

"Now let me finish my food, Winchester."

They stayed as long as they could, due to when visiting hours were, and then they grabbed some dinner and went back to the hotel. They'd eaten at the restaurant, but Cas got them some pints of ice cream from the nearest grocery store to eat in the hotel. They were going to see what was on pay per view that they both wanted to watch and try not to worry about Sam. They'd eaten at a Chipotle, Cas had chosen it. He had wanted it semi healthy, and Dean had said he loved tacos so that had been a good place for them to go. Cas let them into their hotel room and Dean kicked off his sneakers immediately and stripped down to his tank top and boxer briefs, crawling into the bed. Cas got out some plastic spoons he'd also purchased and got into his pj bottoms, and then joined his boyfriend in bed, handing Dean the chocolate pint and a spoon.

"You've been pretty quiet. What are you thinking?" Cas asked, as he dug into his ice cream. He liked chocolate chip cookie dough. He took a bite and watched as Dean seemed to be thinking of what he was going to say to him in return. Cas flipped on the television, and pulled up pay per view to see what there was while he waited for Dean to give him an answer. "Although you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Cas hastened to add. He turned to look at Dean then as he took another huge bite of ice cream.

"I'm just… I'm thinking that I might lose Sam." Dean said, his voice shaking a bit as he dug his spoon into his ice cream. He didn't know what else to say. It was scaring the hell out of him. "I talked to the doctor before we left, when you were pulling the car around. He says that at this point, all they're doing is keeping him alive. They don't think he's going to wake up. They told me to prepare for the worst." Dean didn't know what he was going to do without Sam. His voice shook some more and he took a breath. "I haven't spoken to Sam in years. We had a fight at Dad's funeral… and Sam ran back here as soon as he could." Dean spooned up another bite and took it into his mouth and was quiet as he ate it. Cas waited for him patiently. "We had the biggest fight we'd ever had. I asked him why he hadn't been in contact since he'd been here. He did as much schoolwork as he could to get away from Dad and I."

Taking another deep breath, he said, "Dad was so hurt. Sam doesn't even call him Dad anymore. He calls him by his name, John. He did it to his face, whenever he spoke to him. I can't believe that he was able to do that… and Dad hated it. I asked Sam why he was so determined to get away from us, and he didn't want to answer me. He yelled at me that I didn't know how life and told me never to call him again and he left. We were at Dad's funeral. Dad's _funeral_. I was already so messed up. I lost my dad and my brother in one fell swoop. We haven't talked in years… I don't think if he does wake up he's even going to want me here."

Cas touched his shoulder. "Dean, I am sure that you can fix things. Sam is going to make it through this. I know that it's not good… but you have to try and be positive." He said. He didn't know what he was going to do to get Dean to believe that. "You have to try. I know it's hard." Cas told him, reaching out and kissing him softly. "If you need me to do that for you, I will. I know that we'll make it through this. It does really suck that you haven't spoken to Sam in a long time. But I know that Sam probably missed you as much as you missed him. You can't make him see your father differently. You're just going to have to accept that Sam's going to see things the way he wants. You can hope that one day he'll change and see things differently. I know how hard that had to have been for you. Well, not really, because I can't even imagine family who actually loves you."

Another bite of ice cream and he was kissing Dean again, who kissed him back. "I don't want you to worry about whether Sam wants you here if he wakes up. Things… when something like this happens, life has a way of working out from a different way than we can see at the time. You and Sam will be able to talk about things when he wakes up." Cas knew that Dean wasn't going to see it that way, but he had to try to get him to relax. He didn't want Dean worrying too much about what he couldn't control when there was so much to worry about already.

Dean sighed and took another bite of his ice cream. Cas started flipping through the movies on the pay per view, and they settled on _Blazing Saddles_ , which Dean was surprised was even an option since it was so old. But he didn't mind because he loved that movie. Dean leaned to snuggle up to Cas as he ate some more of his ice cream. He wished that they'd gotten some beer or bourbon or something. Dean knew that that would be a bad idea though, to drown his sorrows in alcohol right now. Dean was trying to do like Cas said and not think about him and Sam being estranged. Dean knew that he wasn't going to be able to do anything about it yet and Cas was right about not worrying about it. There was nothing he could do at the moment and he knew that he wouldn't sleep if he couldn't stop worrying.

The next morning, Cas was up first. He was in charge of getting them up for breakfast, he was going to let Dean sleep a little longer while he took a shower. Cas was moving to get in the shower when his cell phone rang. He checked the caller id. It was Chuck. He answered. "Hey, Chuck." He said, moving to his suitcase to get out some jeans and a tee shirt. He was going to have to work on some homework at the hospital. They couldn't go until noon though, that's when visiting hours started. Cas searched till he found some underwear and put everything on the bathroom counter. "What's going on? It's early." It was only nine o'clock, and Cas was used to rising earlier than that three times a week for one of his classes, but Chuck wasn't. Chuck did his best to schedule his classes in the afternoon.

"Cas, I'm just checking in. How's Dean?" Chuck still felt that they were taking things too fast, but Cas was right, it was his relationship and Chuck had to stay out of it. Chuck took a deep breath. He didn't want to tell Cas this, but he knew that he had to. He didn't want Cas to hear about it from someone else, not that he expected anyone to call Cas to tell him, at least not right now. "Cas…. Michael called." Chuck winced as he said the words, he could almost see the look on Cas' face in his mind as he said the words. "He wanted to tell you that he's seeing someone new. I don't know if he meant to sound braggy about it… or if he was trying to be considerate."

When Chuck said that about Michael, Cas completely forgot about Chuck asking about Dean. "He what?" Cas asked, he turned white as he stood in front of the suitcase, he was going to get Dean's clothes out for him. Cas' hands were shaking, he'd leaned the phone between his head and shoulder. "I mean… it's not like I want him back. I don't. I just…. Why did he call to tell me that?" Cas asked, his voice breaking off almost before he was finished speaking. He didn't know why Michael had called to tell him that. Cas was glad that he hadn't been home and that Chuck had had to take the message. Cas wasn't sure that his resolve not to get back together with Michael if he had spoken to him. "Is that all he said? That he wanted me to know that he was seeing someone?"

As his roommate went through what Michael had said, Cas was trying to listen. He went back to the bathroom, turning on the water to get it warm. He was at a loss as to what to do. Cas didn't want to get back with him, but he also didn't want to tell Dean about it. Cas could barely concentrate on what Chuck was saying. But it did register that the guy that Michael was seeing was one of the football players, and so therefore he was one of the most popular guys on campus. Cas wasn't the least bit embarrassed that he was with Dean, but he had to admit, Michael may have been winning the new boyfriend war. That wasn't an official thing of course, but everyone knew that there was a contest to see who did better after a breakup.

They spoke a bit more and then Cas promised to check in with him later and got in the shower. He had to admit, he wasn't looking forward to seeing Michael around campus with his new boytoy. Chuck hadn't said what his name was, but he'd said that Michael had left that part out. Just thinking about Michael got him hard, and he knew that he was going to have to take care of business.

Dean was starting to stir, and he heard what sounded like masturbating sounds from the bathroom. Then he heard Cas call out the name 'Michael' and he was on alert. What the hell? He got needing to rub one out, but was Cas seriously thinking about someone else? Someone that wasn't him? Dean got out of the bed and stormed across the hotel room to the bathroom, not even knocking, just opening the door and walking in. "Cas, what the hell? Did you just call out some other guy's name while you're jacking off?!" Dean asked, as Cas jumped at the sound of Dean's voice in the bathroom. Cas had finished and he stepped out. Dean glared at him. "We're here because my brother is in a coma. One that he most likely won't wake up from. What the hell are you doing? I get needing to rub one out but thinking about some other guy?!"

HIs eyes brushed with tears. It wasn't cheating, and really, even though they were boyfriends, he wasn't sure that he had the right to be angry. They'd still only known each other two days. Or well, he supposed three now. Dean was shaking he was so angry though.

He knew that he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Dean was right to be upset. Cas reached for a towel and wrapped it around his waist. He was starting to get a bit misty eyed. "Dean… I'm so sorry. It… Michael's my ex… we haven't been broken up very long, a few months." Cas didn't know what he was going to do if this couldn't be fixed. "I swear, Dean, I don't want him like that anymore. Chuck called to tell me that Michael was seeing someone new. He called me because Michael asked him to tell me. I don't know what Michael's motivation was…. But I don't know. I'm still very attracted to him. But I love you, Dean. I do. Please… don't make a big deal out of it." Cas knew that those were the wrong words to say at the look on Dean's face.

"Please, Dean… I know this was the inopportune moment…. But I honestly didn't mean anything by it."

Tears were dripping off Dean's chin. "Cas, are you serious?! Of all the things I'm going through right now and you're jacking off thinking about your ex boyfriend?! I'm not thinking about any of my exes. While there was only one guy, there were a lot of girls. I was a slut before I met you. Now I'm wondering why we're even together! Are you even over him? I believe that you love me. You can't fake love like I know you feel for me. But if you're still thinking about him when you're jerking off then you must still have feelings for him." Dean hated how much this hurt. He knew it had been a bad thing to get so attached to someone else.

"I'm going out. I can't even look at you right now."

Cas' eyes brushed with tears as Dean moved to leave the bathroom, grab some clothes, put them on, and then stormed out of the hotel room. Cas' heart was pounding out of his chest. What was going to happen? This was all his fault. Why had he done this? He hadn't needed to call out Michael's name like that. He was so scared that Dean wasn't going to come back. Cas didn't even know if he was going to be wanted at the hospital now. He brushed his hand through his wet hair and then moved to get dry and then get dressed. He called down for room service, making sure to get enough for Dean in case that he came back. Cas lay back on the bed, hugging himself. He was so scared. Why had he been so stupid? He knew how wrong he'd been and honestly he didn't blame Dean for being upset. They were boyfriends. He shouldn't have been thinking about Michael like that.

"Oh, Dean.. please come back." Cas muttered under his breath.

Dean was halfway down the street, storming angrily off when his cell phone rang. He was sure that it was either Cas or the hospital… and neither was making him feel any better.

 _Ordinary no  
Really don't think so  
Not a love this true  
Common destiny  
We were meant to be  
Me and you_

 _Like a perfect scene_

 _from a movie screen  
We're a dream come true  
Suited perfectly  
For eternity  
Me and you_

 _Every day I need you even more  
And the nighttime too  
There's no way I could ever let you go  
Even if I wanted to_

 _Every day I live  
Try my best to give all I have to you  
Thank the stars above that we share this love  
Me and you_

 _Ordinary no  
Really don't think so  
Just a precious few  
Ever make it last  
Get as lucky as  
Me and you_

 _ **Author's note: XD. I've had this started since the 10th. Sorry it's late. For the most part it's been a great Pride month, I got so much gay smut/romance written. I haven't decided yet what's going to happen, that's just not how my fics work. XD. The muse kind of plans things for me. I am willing to bet that it's going to get more angsty though. Just a head's up. I hope ya'll are liking, and I'll do my best to update as soon as possible.**_


	3. I Can't Stop the Bells

Chapter Three: I Can't Stop the Bells

 _One year later_

 _Every day I get a little bit closer to  
The resolution that I am not yet bulletproof  
Oh, the battle within rages on and on  
The neighborhood seems so small  
That church on the corner  
Has steps good for waiting  
I should go in  
But I'm tired of praying  
And anyway_

 _I can't stop the bells  
Ringing since you been gone  
I thought I was moving on  
But I think of nothing else_

 _I can't break the spell  
I still hear you every place  
Can't forget what I saw in your face  
I know every inch so well_

 _I can't stop the bells  
Can't stop the bells  
Can't stop the bells  
I can't stop the bells  
Can't stop the bells_

 _If you could feel for a moment  
Just see what I see  
And you know that I won't find peace  
Until you come back to me_

 _Oh, I thought I was moving on  
But I think of nothing else  
I can't stop the bells  
I still hear you every place  
Can't forget what I saw in your face  
I know every inch so well_

The needle fell out of Dean's arm, and he lay back on the bed. It had been a year today since he'd seen Cas. It had also been a year today that he'd lost Sam. Dean was in some tiny hotel somewhere in Ohio, he wasn't exactly sure. The last year had been spent on the road, drinking and doing as many drugs as Dean could get his hands on. Cas had tried to call him several times, and Dean hadn't answered any of the times. Dean could feel himself flying up above his body. The heroin was what fueled him most days. There was a pizza on the table, and Dean wondered if he could muster up the strength to get some. It was at least hot, it had just come a few minutes ago. He was also drinking some bourbon, the bottle was sitting on the floor by the bed. Dean finally moved a bit, reaching for a slice of pizza. It was snowing outside, it was a bit early for that but Dean supposed that that was weather for you. And apparently Ohio weather was the worst.

As his fingers grabbed up a slice of pizza, there was a knock on the hotel door. Dean wasn't sure who the hell that was, no one but Chuck knew where he was. He'd kept in touch with Chuck, mostly through email, because Dean hadn't been able to completely walk out of Cas' life, even if he was too messed up to be with him right now. Taking a bite of the pizza, he headed to the door. His hand fell on the knob, and he was quiet for a moment, before he asked. "Who is it?" He was always paranoid before he was anything else. When he heard the voice he hadn't heard in a year, Dean's eyes immediately brushed with tears. He opened the door, and his heart was so full he could almost feel it stop beating.

"Cas."

When Cas heard his name from those lips, it was hard not to kiss him. He'd finally wheedled out of Chuck where Dean was, and he went to him as quickly as he could. Cas had been living off his trust lately, he'd taken a sabbatical from school. Cas hadn't been able to focus since Dean had left him in that hotel room. Cas saw those green eyes full of tears, and he reached out, brushing a lone tear off Dean's cheek. "Oh Dean." Cas managed to say, his fingers lingering on Dean's cheek. That was when Dean was yelling at him. He let Cas step inside though, and closed the door loudly behind him. Cas took in Dean's appearance, he looked incredibly high. That's when his blue eyes fell on the heroin and the needled that had fallen to the floor. "Dean! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Cas burst out, and reached for the bag of drugs, as his fingers closed around it, Dean's hand moved to stop him.

From the moment their hands touched, Cas felt a fluttering in his stomach. Green eyes met blue, and Cas' own eyes brushed with tears. "Dean, baby, what are you trying to do to yourself?" He asked, and was surprised when Dean let him pick up the bag of heroin and flush it down the toilet. When he'd come back from the tiny messy bathroom, Cas found Dean sitting on the bed, head in his hands. Moving tentatively, Cas sat next to him on the bed, and reached out, taking one of Dean's hands in his. He was further shocked when Dean didn't stop him. Lacing his fingers tightly with Dean's. "I… I have missed you so much, Dean."

"You think I didn't fucking miss you?!" Dean snapped, and looked at Cas then. There was no stopping the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. "When….. When I left you that day… I got to the hospital…. And I just sat there for two hours until visiting hours started. And when…. When I…." His voice was halting, and he stopped for a moment, trying to get up his strength to keep talking. He finally managed, tears dripping off his chin. "When I got upstairs, they told me Sam had died just a few minutes earlier." Cas' own eyes brushed with tears. Dean looked away, he couldn't look at him as he said this next part. "I immediately passed out. When I woke up, it was three days later. Sam was still gone and I had almost died myself from hitting my head on the concrete floor." Dean didn't know how he'd made it through, and after that is when he'd started living life as recklessly as he could. "Do you know how many times I've almost died in the last year?"

After he said that, he turned to look at Cas then, his eyes still flowing tears. Cas reached out and wiped some of them away. Dean didn't stop him. His voice still shaking, Dean said, ""I have spent the better part of a year trying to feel something, Cas. I have never felt so numb in my life. I have nothing left. Nothing. I lost my entire family. There's… there's nothing left. And you.. I lost you." Dean knew that part of that was his fault, but he hadn't been able to get the sound of Cas' murmuring Michael's name when he was masturbating off his mind. "I couldn't…. I haven't really breathed since I lost you. My life ended that day, Cas, and I'm just marking time."

When Dean said that, Cas could feel his heart drop to his feet. This is when he leaned out and kissed him, lips meeting lips in a soft but passionate kiss. Cas pressed closer, Dean's arm sliding around his waist. They kissed until neither of them could breathe, and Cas pulled back a little, but his breath still hot on Dean's lips. "Dean… I'm so sorry about Sam. I suspected but Chuck wouldn't tell me for sure." Cas reached up and brushed his fingers through Dean's hair. He couldn't keep the small smile off his face when he saw Dean's eyes flutter shut When they'd opened again, Cas' thumb brushed against Dean's lips. "I'm so sorry. I can't… I'm so sorry that I fucked up like I did. I…" There was a lot that had happened to Cas in the last year too. He hated that he'd been away from Dean for that long. But he supposed that they couldn't dwell on the past.

Leaning his forehead against Dean's, Cas looked into those green eyes that were so expressive. They told you so much about what Dean was feeling if you wanted to listen. "Let's just stop this bullshit, okay? We need to be together. I'm sorry that I was thinking about Michael when I was…" He paused to find the right word, Dean's eyebrow raised. "When I was pleasuring myself. You… as soon as I met you, I loved you. I can't explain that, I wish that I could. I've never been in love at first sight before. But Dean, that's what it was with us. And you know it. Or we wouldn't be so fucking messed up a year after we broke up when we'd been together for two days." As much as he hated to admit it, he had fallen in love with Dean as soon as he'd seen those green eyes. He'd never seen eyes so green as the ones Dean was blessed with. "I will never do that again. Do you hear me?"

Wincing, Cas tried to put the attack out of his mind. It was hard. He knew that if he told Dean about it, the other man would forgive him pretty much everything. Cas still wouldn't bring himself to talk about it. If he said it out loud, then that made it true. Cas wasn't sure that he could accept that it was true just yet.

There was something Cas wasn't telling him. Dean just wasn't sure what it was. He set his green eyes on Cas, wondering what it was. He met those blue eyes headon, and Cas just looked back at him, his eyes just as sad as Dean's were. He finally acknowledged Cas' question, inclining his head slightly in a nod. He was at least relieved that Cas seemed to feel sorry for what he'd done. That was something. Narrowing his gaze, he looked into those blue eyes and reached out and brushed tears off his cheek. "What aren't you telling me, Cas? I know there's something you're holding back. What is it? I know it's been a year since we spoke, but we both know that you can tell me anything." He said, and he was surprised how much he meant it. He didn't know what Cas was hiding but it was something serious. "I love you, Cas, just tell me."

That's when it was all coming out, how Cas was just walking home to his dorm from class, and Michael had come up on him. He was with a couple of his buddies, and they'd beat the fuck out of Cas and then left him for dead, but not before Michael fucked him with a strap on. While Dean was confused enough that Michael used a toy when he could have just used his cock, he was also so pissed that he wanted to hunt this guy down and kill him. In the worst way possible. Dean's teeth gritted, and he tried to hold the anger back from exploding as Cas finished talking. "I'll kill him. I'll kill him in a horrific way." Dean had no qualms about it, this man had hurt Cas in the worst way possible. "Did you… did he ever exhibit this kind of behavior before?" He asked, his tone growling a bit.

"No. If he had, I wouldn't have been with him at all. He didn't exactly treat me well, but he wasn't abusive either." Cas had spent two months in the hospital healing up, and sometimes still walked with a limp. He brushed his hand through Dean's hair, hoping to calm him some. "I'm…. it was a horrible recovery, Dean, but I'm okay. I mean…. I will never be completely okay but I'm working through it. I'm more worried about you. How long have you been doing serious drugs like this?" Cas couldn't believe that Dean had gotten into things like heroin. Yeah, he knew that he smoked pot, but most people didn't get addicted to pot and it wasn't going to ruin your life the way heroin would. Cas was more than worried about him. Although he had to admit, a small part of him, albeit, a very small part, was glad that Dean had been just as messed up as he was from them breaking up.

"You know I don't care about the pot, that's not so bad. Plus it's grown by God. But things like heroin and meth are some serious business. It can fuck up your life horribly." Cas said, his fingers still stroking Dean's hair. His other arm was slid around Dean's waist, tugging him close. Cas hated that he'd had to tell Dean about Michael. He also hated that Dean had been hurting so much that he'd turned to drugs and liquor. He supposed that he shouldn't be too surprised, it's not as if Dean was immune to that sort of thing, but the hard drugs was what surprised him. "You don't have any more heroin than I flushed, do you?"

It was a question that Dean didn't want to answer. He didn't want to tell him how long he'd been doing the harder drugs. The other question he could answer. "No, I don't have any more, that was it." He managed to say, his buzz was wearing off. He buried his head in Cas' neck, they were already cuddling anyway. Dean's voice was muffled as he spoke. "I'm only doing heroin besides pot. And well, drinking. But I haven't had to be put in the hospital yet, so I guess it could be worse. But…. Cas… I just…. I missed you and I missed Sammy and it was the only way that I was able to feel anything." Dean said, and he really meant it. He hadn't felt much of anything when he was sober for a year.

Keeping his face in Cas' neck, Dean said, "I'll stop though. I will. I'll never touch heroin again if that's what you want." He had lost at least 30 pounds, which he hadn't really needed to lose. Dean was too skinny. He knew that. He supposed that he was going to need to eat more. Which usually wasn't an issue. Dean was a bottomless pit when it came to food. He lifted his head then and reached for another slice of lukewarm pizza, taking a huge bite. His stomach actually rumbled. As he moved, Cas reached for the bottle of bourbon and went to the bathroom. It was mostly empty, and Dean knew that he was going to dump the rest of it out. Dean was okay with that, he'd stolen it anyway. He hadn't made enough from pool hustling to cover the drugs and the alcohol.

When Cas came back out of the bathroom, Dean slid the pizza box towards him, Cas was too skinny too. His boyfriend picked up a slice and took a bite.

His blue eyes settling on Dean, he took another bite of pizza. "I do want you to stop. Like I said, the pot I can deal with. I've even smoked it myself a few times. But if we're going to be together, you have to stop the heroin." He didn't want to be with someone who did drugs that hard. And Dean was very mellow when he smoked weed by itself. He just tended to get the munchies and either want to have sex or watch tv. Some of this he'd noticed from their first time and Chuck had told him the rest. Cas watched him carefully, he was seeming to sober up some, and he knew that it was most likely from the conversation. "Please, don't go and hurt Michael. I pressed charges, they're all awaiting trial. It's going to be fine. They'll pay for what they did. Not to mention, they can prove the rape part."

This was said with his blue eyes filling with tears and clearing his throat. He had a lump in it. "I am so sorry for all of it. Please, come home." Cas said, reaching out and touching Dean's hand. His fingers laced tightly with the other's, and their eyes met. "I miss you so much. I can't do any of this without you." Cas really did need Dean to be there for him through the whole trial process. He was mostly surprised that they were taking his attack seriously. As he was gay and all. But Cas wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. It was just a good thing that they were actually going to do something about it. It wasn't often that attacks on gay men were taken seriously. Cas was glad that he'd actually spoken up and pressed charges. There was also a witness that had come forward, that was helpful. Cas was very grateful that this other man wasn't scared of retaliation.

Setting aside the pizza box, Dean moved closer to Cas, and pushed him back against the bed, straddling him. Leaning down, Dean kissed him, deeply and fully. Cas kissed back, and Dean's hand reached to unbutton Cas' jeans. He wondered if this was the best idea to do this right now, but he couldn't stop himself. He hadn't had sex in a year. He normally would have, especially after a breakup like that, but he hadn't wanted anyone but Cas. And it had hurt every time he'd thought of it that Cas had been thinking about Michael while he was masturbating. But with that behind them, Dean was going to show Cas exactly how he felt about him. His hand worked Cas out of his denim and cotton prison, and began to stroke him. Cas moaned underneath him, and Cas' cock began to harden.

His long fingers stroked him and then cupped Cas' balls. When Cas was good and hard, Dean moved off him, taking off his clothes. Cas removed his clothing as well, and Dean was reaching for some lube out of his bag. He hadn't had sex, but he'd been pegging himself and so he always had lube on hand. He spread some on Cas' long hard member, and then eased himself onto it, gasping as Cas' length filled him. He began to ride him, Cas' hand moving to Dean's cock, beginning to run his long fingers over the shaft. Dean gasped again as his boyfriend's hand touched him, and he began to work his hips harder. Cas' stroking matched his hip movements, and they groaned together. Dean moved down to kiss Cas, who kept up his work of jacking Dean off. It had been so long that Dean was coming soon, realizing too late he should have used a condom. He may have stayed celibate but that didn't mean that Cas had. Cas came not long after he did, both of them struggling to catch their breath.

Dean reached down for his old ratty tee shirt he'd been wearing and wiped them both off, and then laid next to Cas on the bed. He tried to catch his breath, as Cas moved to cuddle up to him, wrapping an arm around Dean's waist. "If you really want me to, I'll come home." Dean said. He wondered how Cas had gotten here. "Did you fly and then rent a car?" He asked curiously, he didn't really want to make this trip back without him. "Because if you rented a car we can go and turn it in, you can ride back with me." Dean knew that Cas had been taking time off school, Chuck filled him in on things here and there. He was a bit muffled as to why Chuck hadn't told him about Cas' attack, but he supposed maybe Chuck just thought that it was Cas' news to tell. That made him feel a bit better about it, if he was being was just glad that Cas was okay. He couldn't believe that he hadn't been there for that.

His eyes brushed with tears, and Cas looked at him with confusion. "Cas… I'm so sorry, baby, that I wasn't there for you. If I was there, it never would have happened."

"Hey. No." Cas said immediately, leaning up on his elbow to look at Dean. With his free arm he cupped Dean's jaw. "You are _not_ going to blame yourself for this. I don't blame you for being upset and leaving in the first place. You are allowed to have your feelings. You don't know that it wouldn't have still happened had we still been together. Things just happen, baby, that you can't stop sometimes." Cas leaned down and kissed some of the tears off his boyfriend's face. "I want you to promise me, Dean Henry Winchester, that you aren't going to blame yourself. Promise me." He said, and even though Dean rolled his wet eyes, he nodded and said that he promised.

Then Cas supposed he should address Dean's question about how he got here. "I took the bus, and then a cab to the hotel." He told him. "So I can ride back with you. I'm so glad that you're coming home. I'm in Brooklyn now, since I'm taking a sabbatical from school." Cas' voice was quiet when he said this, and he looked down at Dean's naked torso as he spoke. Cas still felt bad that he'd gotten so upset that he'd started flunking out of school. "And I know that you know that already, Chuck isn't exactly someone who keeps his mouth shut about things he tells."

Dean turned to face him, leaning on his side. He propped his head up on his hand. Reaching out, he stroked Cas' chest with his other hand. "I know, baby, but I'm still so sorry that I wasn't there. I promise, I will never let anyone hurt you ever again. And I don't… if you don't go back to school, that's fine with me. You know that I love you whether or not you have a college education." He wondered if it was the best time for them to move in together, being as they'd been apart for a year, but Dean also no longer had his apartment. He'd rented it out until his lease ran out and then the other person had signed the new lease.

Brushing his fingers lightly over Cas' heart, Dean leaned out and kissed him deeply, then when the kiss broke, his face still up next to Cas', he said, "And I love you, Cas. I do. I think I fell in love with you the minute that I saw you on that campus." Dean had never been in love before. And he knew that that's why he loved Cas. Because it was a new feeling. "You are the first person that I've ever been in love with. And it would have scared me within an inch of my life in the past that I want to be with you forever after I knew you for two days. But… after this year where I missed you every day and wished that I could see you every day… I know that you're it. You're who I'm supposed to be with." Dean fell quiet, still stroking Cas' chest. "Can I tell you something?"

When Cas nodded, Dean said, "I haven't slept with anyone in a year. I've… pegged myself a lot, because I really wanted you, but I didn't go and sleep with anyone."

Tears brushed Cas' eyes. "Oh Dean…" He was so touched. He kissed him again, that was almost enough to get him hard again. "I can't…. I can't believe that you did that. Went celibate for a year." And especially since Dean had been a player since he was 15 years old. "Not even on your 21st birthday?" He asked, and Dean shook his head. "Oh Dean… I love you so much." Cas said, and kissed him again, sucking on his boyfriend's tongue. When the kiss broke, Cas reached into his jeans pocket, and when he straightened back up, he was holding a ring box. "Dean Henry Winchester, will you marry me?" He asked, opening the box. Inside was a silver wedding band, it had been his grandfather's.

Dean's green eyes widened when he saw the ring. That meant that Cas had been planning this. His eyes brushed with tears as he looked at the ring. He could tell that while it had been cleaned recently, it was an heirloom. His breath was shallow as he looked into Cas' eyes. "Yes, Castiel James Novak, I will marry you." He said, tears dripping off his chin. Cas slid the ring on his finger, and Dean looked at it, his green eyes wide. Cas told him that it had been his grandfather's, and that he'd been the only one to accept Cas before he'd passed away when Cas was 15. He'd promised him that if he ever got married he'd use this ring as the engagement ring. Dean looked into those blue eyes, and he wondered how he'd gotten so lucky.

That was when they decided to fuck again.

The next afternoon, they were in Dean's Impala and heading back to New York. Dean had wanted to get married before they got home, but Cas had told him that Jo would kill him if she didn't get to be there. Dean supposed he got that, because if Sam was still alive, he'd want to be there too. At least, Dean thought that was true. It really hurt that they hadn't been able to mend things before Sam died. It's not like they'd been warring, but they hadn't exactly spoken in a long time either. Dean was going to have to live with this for the rest of his life, and it was killing him. Dean knew he had to talk to Cas about that too, but he couldn't do it right now. He was still riding the fumes from them getting engaged, and he didn't want to add something sad to it. They were listening to Led Zeppelin, it was a mixed tape that Dean had made for Cas while they were apart. That was the first time that he'd ever done anything like that.

He looked over at Cas as they slowed at a stop light. Cas had insisted on going the long way, it's not like they had to be there at any certain time. Dean had to admit, he was enjoying the ride. They weren't trying to drive straight through, although they could have. Cas wanted to stop in Gettysburg, see the stuff there. And Dean figured since Cas was paying, and it was actually pretty cool to go and see battlefields and old cannons and stuff, it was fine with him. He even had a great something grandfather or uncle that had fought in the war. He thought it had been for the Confederacy, but he wasn't sure. "So, we're almost to Pennsylvania. Do you want to stop and eat?"

They hadn't eaten before they left, mostly because neither of them had been hungry. Dean was wanting a burger as large as his head.

Cas smiled at him and squeezed Dean's leg. "If you're hungry, baby, just say so." He laughed when Dean mock pouted. "We can stop and eat if that's what you want." Cas laughed when the grin broke out on Dean's face, and he told Cas he loved him. Cas relaxed, leaning his arm on the windowsill. He was smiling for the first time that was a real smile in a year. Cas was so glad that he'd gone to find Dean. He was also glad that one, Chuck didn't mind his own business, and two, that Dean told Chuck things if Chuck asked. It was amazing that the two of them had remained sort of friends, although Cas supposed that it was so Dean could find things out on Cas. Cas supposed that he didn't mind that, because he had used Chuck for the exact same thing.

About 20 minutes later, they were pulling into a Waffle House. Dean said he wanted a burger AND some waffles. Cas thought that was a weird combo, but he didn't tell him he couldn't. Cas was surprised when Dean opened his door for him, and then reached down and took Cas' hand. Cas marveled as their fingers locked together, and he wondered how things could change in the span of a day. He had had the most hellish year of his life, and he was so glad that it was over. Cas stopped them before they started across the parking lot, and kissed him deeply, sucking on his tongue.

When the kiss broke, Dean was surprised. Not that he minded kissing Cas in the middle of a parking lot. "What was that for?" He asked, his lips puffy from the kiss. When Cas told him it was just because he was grateful that he had Dean in his life after the year he'd had, Dean had to work to keep the tears from gathering at his eyes. He tugged him close as they walked inside. The entire restaurant stopped and looked at them as they came in. Dean immediately looked back, tugging Cas even closer in defiance. Cas, he knew, would be looking uncomfortable. But Cas was used to people not accepting him. Dean hadn't run into discrimination yet.

"What are you looking at? This is America, and this is my fiance. I will hold him if I want." Dean's tone was sharp, and he led Cas to a booth, sliding in on the same side as Cas, he figured he'd give them something to really talk about. Dean supposed he could be handling this better, but he wasn't going to let them discriminate against him. Dean didn't want anyone to tell him that he couldn't be with Cas. He leaned to kiss Cas' cheek, and he knew they were going to have a discussion about this later when they were alone. Cas was of the school of thought not to flaunt it if you didn't have to. Dean was not of that school of thought. Not when they were being discriminated against.

Cas reached for the menus, and he poked Dean hard in the side. "You shouldn't have done that. Do you want to get jumped when we leave?" He asked. He knew why Dean had done it, Dean was just the kind of guy that didn't let anyone tell him what to do. And that included who he was allowed to date. Cas had to admit though, he was not going to complain about Dean being so close to him. Cas glanced at the menu, wondering if he wanted waffles or eggs or both. Cas shivered as he felt Dean's breath on his ear. That was one of Cas' spots. Dean kept it up and he was having a hard time not jumping his bones right there and then.

"Dean…. Stop that." Cas managed to say. His voice was strangled. Cas was trying to not reach out and palm Dean through his jeans. He hadn't had sex in a public place in awhile, but he had before. Cas shivered more and leaned to whisper in Dean's ear. "If you ever want to have sex with me again before we get home, stop doing that." He pulled back to look into those emerald green eyes. Dean pouted at him. "Dean, I mean it. Because you are getting me all hot and bothered and I am _not_ going to have sex in a public place." Cas hated the hang dog look on his face and wished that he could do something about it. But he was serious. He didn't want to have sex in the bathroom here. Not with all these homophobes.

The idea of sex in a public place was something that was turning Dean on too. He actually hadn't done that before, with all of the times he'd had sex. Dean looked at Cas, who was giving him a pleading look. Dean grinned. He knew what that look meant. "So if I were to do this… you'd want to jump my bones, then?" He asked, reaching out and palming Cas under the table. He knew he was taking a risk, but he couldn't help himself. That look was killing him. Cas groaned and tried to squirm away. Dean was kind of wanting to cross having sex in a public place off his bucket list. Dean didn't know how Cas was resisting, because if it was him in Cas' shoes he'd be halfway to the bathroom by now.

This is when a manager type came up to their table. Dean was instantly on alert. "Is there a problem?" Dean asked, his teasing Cas forgotten instantly. He stood, he knew that he was more intimidating when he was standing up. Plus this dude had at least 15 years on him. "Because my fiance and I just want to get something to eat. And we wouldn't want to be discriminated against, would we?" Dean asked, not looking at Cas to know his fiance was most likely trying to act like he wasn't there. Dean kept his eyes on the manager, wondering how far this guy was going to take this.

"We'd like you to leave. There are other Waffle Houses you can take your patronage to." Came the reply.

"You've got to be _fucking kidding me_." Dean said, his tone ice cold. "If this was a private establishment, or we had no shirt or shoes or something, then I could see the reason for this. But we're both fully clothed. Yeah, we may have been sitting a little close, but there was no inappropriate touching either. So you've got no reason to come over here and tell us to leave." Dean said, this was his first time dealing with this and he was going to make sure that they didn't get the best of him. Dean didn't deal well with things like this. He'd been the sort to stomp out bullying as often as he could in school. "I'm planning to order as much food as I can, because I like to eat. You really going to turn down that business because I'm with a man?"

Cas winced, this was going to be ugly. He didn't want to have to bail Dean out of jail because he punched a Waffle House manager in the face. "Dean, baby, let's go. I know you're hungry but I'm not going to bail you out of jail." He stood, reaching and tugging Dean's arms out of their folded position and slid his hand into Dean's. "Come on, Dean." Cas said forcefully, and that was not the way he usually spoke. So Dean knew that it was a good idea to go with him. Cas looked to the manager. "I'm not sorry that he spoke up but Iam sorry that you feel the way you do, and I hope one day you learn the error of your ways." He glared at the man as he said this, and led Dean outside.

When they got to the car, Cas moved to put his arms around Dean's waist, stroking his back. "I know that you were right, but I didn't want you to get into a physical fight with that guy and me have to bail you out of jail. Not that I would have blamed you. But there's a time to pick your battles, baby. Now was not the time. Let's just go find another Waffle House." Cas knew there was most likely another one within 20 minutes of where they were, Waffle Houses were a dime a dozen. "I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. I was hoping that you'd never have to know the sting of not being accepted." It really did hurt, even if you got used to it wherever you went. Which is what Cas was used to.

Fuming, Dean didn't know what to say. He knew that Cas had done that to save him from killing that guy. Dean had really wanted to. He hadn't had to deal with this yet and he knew that it could happen again. Dean was going to have to learn to pick his battles, as Cas was doing. He paced angrily, trying to calm down. He knew staying in Cas' arms would have been a good idea, but he also knew that he had to pace when he was this upset. "I love you, Cas. I really do. I know that you were doing that for me. And I really want to go in there and tear him a new one. He had no right to do that to us." Dean was surprised to find his eyes filling with tears. Dean wasn't sure that he liked that guy just getting away with refusing them service. Even if he knew that Cas was right about picking their battles.

A few minutes later, and they were back on the road, in search of another Waffle House.

Later that evening, about nine o'clock, they were pulling into a hotel about an hour outside of Gettysburg. They were loaded down with Burger King bags, and a new suitcase Cas had filled with some clothes. Dean unlocked the door, and they both went in, Cas putting his bag on the extra bed. They'd tried to get a room with just one bed, but that hadn't been possible. All of them were full. Cas moved to change clothes while Dean set the food up on the table. Cas hadn't packed much when he'd gone to get Dean in Ohio, and he'd wanted some new things so they could spend as much time as they wanted in Gettysburg. Cas was so excited. A few of his relatives had fought at Gettysburg. A few had lived, but some hadn't. He wanted to see if he could find their names on a monument or something.

"You know, Dean, some of my relatives fought in the War. Some of them were even at Gettysburg." He said, as he finished changing, Dean had insisted that he get the Led Zeppelin pjs they'd seen, he said it was his favorite band and he wanted to see Cas in them. As Cas would do anything to make Dean happy right now, he'd done as requested. Cas sat down at the table, reaching for his double Whopper. That was something else Dean had insisted on, that Cas eat something bad for him. Cas wasn't a super healthy eater, but Dean was insistent on getting both of them back up to a normal weight, so Cas hadn't argued that point, either.

"Really? Mine too. Although I bet they were fighting for different sides." Dean said, as he opened his own burger, a triple Whopper. He apparently was trying to kill his arteries. Not that he cared about that. He'd been quiet most of the day, he'd been thinking about what that manager had said at the Waffle House. The next one they'd been to there'd been no issues, they'd even met another gay couple and had eaten with them. Dean had been feeling a bit better after that, but he'd not been able to keep the manager off his mind. Was it like that everywhere? Were they going to keep going to run into issues like that? Dean just wanted to be with Cas. He wasn't going to let anyone tell him that he couldn't be with Cas. Dean didn't know how he could just let that guy off the hook. That wasn't his thing. He wanted to pound him into the ground still and wished that he wasn't hundreds of miles away.

Setting his green eyes on Cas, Dean wondered what else to say. Dean couldn't stop thinking about having to leave that Waffle House. Dean was doing his best to just move on. He was quiet and then his cell phone rang. Dean wondered who that was. He hadn't told Cas yet that he apparently had another sibling. Her name was Callie, and she was his half sister. Dean hadn't been able to believe that John had been fooling around on his mom, which he wasn't sure that had actually happened, but the girl was only 16, she was a year and a half or so younger than Sam had been. He answered the call, without bothering to see what the number was.

Cas watched him curiously, wondering who he was talking to. When Dean told the caller he'd have to call them back, Cas wondered if it had been Chuck, checking in. He hadn't called Chuck since he'd met up with Dean. He knew that the other man must be worried. When Dean had hung up, Cas looked at him, reaching for a fry. "Who was that, baby?" He asked. "Was it Chuck? I have to admit, I am sure that he's going to check in soon, I was supposed to call him once I found you." Cas knew that Dean was still upset about the Waffle House incident, and he was doing his best to get Dean's mind off it and onto other things. It wasn't working so well yet but he was doing his best. Although he knew that it was going to stick with Dean for awhile, since it was the first time that he'd gotten discriminated against.

Taking a deep breath, Dean said, "Cas…. I found out that I have a sibling. A half sibling. Her name is Callie Winchester." Dean didn't really know what Cas was going to say. "I just found out about her a couple of months ago. Somehow she got a hold of me and told me that her mom had just told her. Sam was… she's not that much younger than Sam is. Depending on how long my dad was with her mom, it could have been when my.. When my mom was still alive." Dean had told Callie he'd call her later. He hadn't spoken to her much, he was still trying to process the fact that he had a little sister. Dean also wondered why the girl hadn't ever decided to ask her mother where she'd gotten a different last name. He supposed it could have been she wasn't ready to hear the truth.

This was news. Cas wasn't angry Dean hadn't told him though, they were just back together after a whole year apart. "I am sure that your father wasn't cheating on your mother. You said Sam was six months old when your mother died, so maybe it was a one night stand after your mother passed away." Cas couldn't imagine finding out you had a sibling you never knew you had. That had never even remotely happened to him. His parents were stuffy religious types as well as in the Southern hierarchy, so he hadn't ever expected that there would have been extramarital sex. "There's no reason to assume that your father was unfaithful." Cas said, although he knew that there was no point in trying to convince Dean of that if he'd already made up his mind.

"I don't even remotely know how you feel, that would never have happened to me. My parents would have stayed in a loveless marriage other than have an affair."

Sighing, Dean said, "There's something else you don't know. My mom was cheating on my dad. He doesn't know. I found out later, when I was ten or so. I found these letters she'd been writing with the guy. He lived across town. I don't really know what made her do that… but I'm the only one who knows. My dad didn't and Sam didn't." That was another thing he was going to regret, not getting a chance to tell Sam about that. He was sure that Sam would have wanted to know. It's not like Sam had had a lot of respect for John as it was. There was nothing that Dean wanted to keep from Cas. He wanted him to know everything that he could tell him. He didn't like having secrets from Cas. It had been such a horrible year without him, and he didn't want to ruin things. They'd been apart for too long.

"It's just…. I don't know what to think. I mean, you're probably right. My dad could have hooked up with her after Mom. That's not something out of the realm of possibility. But… my mom. She was cheating on my dad. He… my dad was a lot messed up after she died. But I know that he loved her. That's why he ended up so messed up. He never loved anyone after that. I'm not…. I'm not saying there weren't girls. I'm sure there were. But he never loved anyone like he did my mom. And she was… she was stepping out on him." Dean grabbed some fries, wishing that he could turn back time. His life was so messed up. He wished that it wasn't. And Dean had never complained about anything he was dealt. He just dealt with it.

Moving his chair closer to Dean, Cas put his arm around him. Dean moved and buried his head in Cas' neck. "You need this little vacation, Dean. You need to get your mind off things. I'm sorry that you don't get to tell Sam what was going on. I know that you regret him not knowing. But you can't live in the past like that. I know it's hard not to. Especially when there's so much you didn't get to say. I know how that feels. I wish that there was something I could do to get my family to accept me. So I get the regret feeling. But you have to try and move on." Cas didn't know what he was going to say to make Dean feel better. Because he knew that none of that was really going to get to Dean. He was listening but he didn't believe any of it. He wasn't going to be able to move past this like Cas wanted him to.

Dean kissed Cas' neck, and then lifted his head, kissing Cas deeply. He didn't want to talk anymore. It wasn't getting him anywhere. He wasn't going to feel better about any of it. Dean kissed him deeper, licking the roof of Cas' mouth. He reached between them and stroked Cas' length through the Led Zeppelin pj bottoms, before Cas was reaching to stop him. "Cas, please. I can't…. I can't talk about any of this anymore. I need… I just want to make love to you." Dean said, his eyes brushing with tears. He looked into those blue eyes that reminded him of the sky, and then Cas cupped his jaw and kissed him again. Dean reached into Cas' bottoms and worked his cock out of his underwear, and then lifted Cas in his arms, moving him to the bed. He turned Cas and got off his pants, his tongue going to Cas' hole. Cas groaned and Dean licked more, his hand reaching around and stroking Cas' balls.

When they were sated, they were laying on the bed. Dean had fallen asleep, and Cas was stroking his fiance's back. Cas made a mental note to call Jo the next day and let her know what was going on, so she could let Chuck know. Cas wasn't sure that he really wanted to be the one to call Chuck. He was still having flashbacks to the night he and Chuck had fooled around a few months ago. There hadn't been sex, not really, just some fondling. Cas had felt extremely guilty, and he didn't know what he was going to do about it, tell Dean or not. That was something he knew that Dean would be hurt by, especially when he had told Cas he'd abstained for a year from sex. Not that he would blame him if he did get upset. But Cas didn't think that Dean really had to know. Unless it seemed like Chuck would speak up. You never knew with him, he was a wild card.

 _ **Author's Note: So… yeah. None of that was planned, it sort of all just came out. I've been working on this for like, three days, that's longer than I usually spend on things that are typed on gdocs. Because once I decide to update something it usually kind of just takes off. Not sure what will happen next, other than more of the road trip. I'm sorry about Sam, I wasn't planning that, like I said. Apparently my muses like to torture poor Dean. Sigh. I hope ya'll are still hanging in. I needed some hot Destiel after the first two episodes of 13.**_


	4. You Drive Me Crazy

Chapter Four: You Drive Me Crazy

The next morning, they were supposed to go to the Jennie Wade house. She had been the only civilian death at Gettysburg. Dean woke first, which was a first for him. He wasn't usually the one who woke up first with anyone. He was surprised to see it was his ringing phone that had woken him. He grabbed it up and went into the bathroom to talk, he didn't want to wake up Cas. "Hello?" Dean said, and wasn't surprised to find it was his sister Callie on the phone. "Hey, Callie." Dean said, a bit reluctantly. He knew why she was calling. Ever since he'd found out about her she'd been trying to get closer to him. Dean didn't blame her necessarily. He didn't have any family but her left. He wondered what she was calling for. He was going to have to tell her that he was on vacation. Oddly enough, Callie also lived in New York City. She was in Brooklyn. So not too far from where Dean had been living. Up until Cas had shown up he hadn't planned on going back.

"What's up?"

Callie Winchester wasn't sure what to make of her older brother. They'd only spoken a few times on the phone. They hadn't met in person yet. Callie wanted to. She knew that he lived in New York, although he had told her that he'd let the lease run out on his place. She knew something had happened with him so that he left, but she didn't know what. Callie did know that Sam had passed away, she'd found that in her research. And she also knew that her father was gone. She was sad she'd never gotten to meet him. But she also knew that he hadn't known about her. The night she'd been conceived, according to her mother, was they were both drunk and John had wanted to get back at his wife. He'd known about Mary cheating on him. She didn't know if Dean knew that, and she wasn't sure she wanted to be the one to tell him. It might ruin his view of his dad, and she didn't want to do that to him.

"I just… I wanted to talk. I know you're trying to keep distance between us. I can't force you to be ready to talk to me. But… I'm the only family you have left, Dean. I don't… I want to be in your life. My mom.. I didn't get her to tell me about any of this until I found some letters that Dad had written her." Callie had never had a father figure in her life, her mother wasn't one for commitments. Callie didn't really know why, she'd never told her. Callie's full name was California, and she really thought her mother had some hippie ideas. Not that that surprised her, her mother had been born in the early 60s. Her grandparents had been actual hippies, Callie's had, anyway. Callie didn't know what to say to get Dean to realize that they needed to get to know each other.

Taking a deep breath, she said, "You don't have to get to know me, Dean, but I really think you should."

Sighing, Dean wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want to disappoint her. He knew that he would at some point, it was what he did for the people in his life. Dean didn't try it just kind of happened. "Look, Callie. It's not that I don't want to be in your life, okay? Family is the most important thing to me. Always has been. But you'd be better off without me. All I do is hurt people. I don't mean to, it just kind of happens." He took a deep breath before he continued. "I'm on vacation kind of right now. I went… I went through a very rough breakup. I was just going around the country for a year. Now… the guy I broke up with, we're back together. We're… we aren't coming back to NYC just yet."

It was more than he wanted to tell her, what he had been through. They might be siblings but they didn't really know each other. He didn't know how John had come to have sex with her mother, and he was worried to find out. Dean didn't want to know if his dad had been in love with someone that wasn't his mom. It was bad enough knowing that Mary had been in love with someone that wasn't John. They had been supposed to be very deeply in love. Dean wanted to know what had gone wrong in their relationship, but he didn't at the same time. And there wasn't any way to really know. It wasn't something that Dean thought anyone else would know. Mary had been a very private person, and now he knew why.

"Look, Callie, I'll get to know you if you really want, but I did my job and warned you that you probably shouldn't."

The fact that Dean seemed to have a bad impression of himself just told her that he was a better man than he thought he was. Callie wanted to get to know him. It was sad that he thought that. She didn't know why he did and she hated that he thought that. "Dean, I don't think you're a bad person. I really don't. Most people who think they're bad aren't. You… it's okay that you're on vacation. After losing Sam, and then your boyfriend, it sounds like you needed it. I'm… my mom doesn't know that I've gotten into contact with you. I have time to tell her. I can't pretend to know what you've been through. I.. I never knew who my dad was until recently. My mom was never one to date someone consistently. So in a way, I didn't know what I was missing."

She really didn't think that she had had a bad life so far. Despite the fact that her mother hadn't ever told her how she came to be born until now. Callie didn't want to be the one to tell Dean that John had known what he was doing. That it had been on purpose. Callie didn't know for sure that that was the case, but she didn't think her mother had lied to her. She didn't think she could live with herself if she was the one to tell him what had happened. "Dean, if family is that important to you, then we need to be in each other's lives. I don't want to force you to do anything, and I don't expect to be close immediately. I wish… I wish that I had gotten to know Sam, too." Callie didn't want to upset him, bringing up Sam. Dean had told her that he and Sam hadn't been talking before he'd passed away. She knew that he was feeling guilty about them not having had any contact since John had died. She knew how hard that was for him.

"I know you feel guilty that you and Sam weren't talking. You shouldn't. I know that you can't let go of that. You have to try. You couldn't make Sam talk to you if he didn't want to. You have to try and let that go. You did what you could."

His eyes brushed with tears. Dean hadn't expected Callie to say any of that, and he was still of course feeling guilty that he and Sam hadn't been able to fix things before he died. Dean wasn't ever going to be able to get over that guilt. She was right, he had done everything he could. And he wouldn't have been able to force Sam to talk if he didn't want to. But that didn't mean that he was ever going to be able to let it go. Dean had spent most of his life trying to take care of Sam and keep him safe. He had hated it that they'd fought. Dean had tried everything that he could to fix things, and nothing had worked. Sam had done everything he could to get away from Dean and John. Dean would be lying if he said that that didn't hurt him more than anything else had.

It was a moment before he could speak, and he could hear Cas moving around in their room. Dean knew he was going to have to cut this short. He didn't want to explain or talk to Cas about why he was so upset. Dean brushed his free hand across his eyes. "I know that I shouldn't feel guilty. I know that. But I do. Look, Callie, my boyfriend just got up. I don't… I don't want to talk to him about this right now. He knows about you. I told him last night. I love Cas more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. I want… I want him to know everything about me. But I can't… I can't deal with this right now. We're supposed to be having fun on vacation. Cas wanted to come to Gettysburg, where we are right now. I told him it was fine with me. I want… I want us to try and have a good time together. It's been a year since we've seen each other. I really think Cas is the one I'm supposed to be with."

Callie took a deep breath. "Okay. I'll let you go for now. But I want you to know that you can talk to me. I know you're trying to keep me at arm's length. That's.. I can't stop that. But I want you to at least try to let me in, okay? You call me when you get back, if you'd rather. I want us to be able to lean on each other."

Dean told her that he would call her when he got back to the city, and they hung up. He used the bathroom, and then splashed some water on his face. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. He didn't want Cas to know that he'd gotten upset. Not right now. Dean ran his hand over his hair and headed out of the bathroom. Cas was wearing a pair of Dean's boxer briefs, and he was calling for room service. Dean moved to sit on the bed. He didn't know what Cas was going to see in his face, and he was really hoping that he was hiding how he felt. He put his phone next to him on the bed, and he wondered if letting Callie in was the right decision. But he also knew that he couldn't live with himself if she was out there and he wasn't in her life. He wouldn't be able to live with himself.

When Cas got off the phone, he grinned, turning to Dean. "Hey, baby." Cas said, and leaned out to kiss him, morning breath be damned. "I ordered us some breakfast." He told him, and he could tell that something was off with Dean. Cas looked into those green eyes, and Dean managed a smile. Cas knew there was something wrong though and he wondered if he should press it. He could tell that Dean had been crying, he knew that while Dean had tried to hide it, his eyes were still a bit wet. Cas didn't want to force him to talk about something if it was too hard. Cas had slept like the dead. He had been exhausted from their making love. He looked into those green eyes, which were so much more expressive than Dean thought they were. "Are you okay, baby?" Dean looked uncomfortable when Cas asked him that question.

It was hard to tell if Dean was going to tell him the truth. They were supposed to start their day at the Jennie Wade house. Cas was excited to see it. He had been fascinated by the story of her his entire life. Cas tried to assess if Dean was going to tell him anything. "Look, you don't have to talk about anything. But I can tell you were crying. Your eyes are puffy and a little bit wet. I spend a lot of time staring into them, I know when you've been crying." Cas brushed his hand through Dean's hair, and those expressive green eyes fluttered shut. Cas loved how much Dean loved him touching his hair. It was a real turn on. Cas watched as those eyes opened again. He could see the pain in them. Cas knew he was far from okay. "I know you don't want to talk. I'm not going to force you. But I know you're not okay."

That was true. He wasn't okay, by any means. He hadn't been okay for a year. Dean didn't know what to say in reply. He wasn't able to stop the tears that brushed his eyes then. He didn't know what to say. Dean's chin trembled. He never let anyone but Cas see him this way. It was another reason he felt that Cas was the one he was supposed to be with. Dean wiped his eyes, and Cas waited patiently for him to speak. Dean took a deep breath. "Callie called." He said, and a small flicker of recognition passed on Cas' face. He knew that Cas remembered their talk about her. Clearly, this huge talk was going to happen now when he wasn't ready to talk about it.

He didn't even know where to start, so he just dove right in. "She wants to be in my life, Cas. I don't… I know how to be a big brother. I've been one. And look what happened. Sam died and we weren't even talking. How… how am I going to not fuck this up? I can't…. I don't want to lose another sibling. But Cas…. I can't…. I don't want to hear how my dad had sex with her mom and now she's here. I just…. What do I do if she decides I'm not good enough to be her brother and she stops talking to me?"

Brushing his hand across his face, Cas reached out and kissed Dean deeply. That did not surprise him a bit, that Dean was worried about that being an eventuality. Cas expected Dean to be scared that he would lose it all because of some error on his part. "Dean, you know that you won't lose her. She wants to be in your life. She contacted you. You are not the horrible person that you seem to think you are. You will be fine with Callie. You two will find your rhythm. And also, you don't have to ask any of that. You can tell her you don't want to know the details. You don't have to know how she got here to be in her life." Cas was touched that Dean was letting him in, letting him see him that upset. Cas knew though that they were just getting closer after so long apart. And they were engaged now. They were finally going to really be together and let the other see all the things that he liked to hide from people.

All of that was what Cas believed, Dean knew that. It didn't mean that Dean could believe it. Dean reached for a tissue and wiped his eyes. He didn't know what he was supposed to do with any of this. Dean wanted to get to know Callie. Family was the one thing that was the most important thing to Dean, and that girl was family. He knew that his dad would want him to have her in his life. So he was going to do that if that was what Callie wanted. Before Dean could say anything, his cell phone rang. He reached for it. It was Chuck.

"What's up, Chuck?" They didn't talk much. Only every now and then. Dean wasn't sure what he wanted Chuck to be calling for. They usually only talked about Cas when they did talk. Dean rubbed his hand over his head, trying to compose himself enough to talk to Chuck. He didn't want to hear bad news right now and he was sure that he was about to.

Swallowing hard, Chuck wasn't sure he should be telling Dean this. But he couldn't keep it from him now that Dean and Cas were back together. Chuck had been feeling things for Cas while they'd been fooling around, and he had tried to talk to Cas about it. Who had shut him completely down. Chuck felt it was only right that Dean know that Chuck was still getting over Cas. He didn't want things to be weird when they got back from the road trip. Chuck finally spoke. "Dean, first of all, I am glad that you two are back together. Cas told me. I am glad for you, really. But Dean… there's something you have to know. While you two were apart…. Cas and I were fooling around."

This is when he paused, and Dean seemed to be speechless. "I know it's weird. Because you and I slept together too. But… that's not the part that's important. What is important is that I still… that I have feelings for him. I am not going to try and go after him. This is why I am telling you now. I want you to know that I am trying to get over him. You can trust me, you know that. I will not get in between you. I just… I got the feeling Cas wasn't going to tell you. I just… I had to clear my mind and make sure that you knew what the score was. I'm sorry if that doesn't…. If it hurts you."

Hearing all of this made Dean's head hurt. So…. Cas and Chuck had been hooking up?! What was… okay. Dean took a deep breath. He and Cas had been apart, broken up. He had no right to be all pissy about this. He was however upset that Cas didn't tell him. Dean clenched his jaw. "Okay, I'm not upset that you did that. I can't exactly be all high and mighty. We were broken up. I also get you having feelings for him. He's an amazing man. But what I am upset that you two are still rooming together. Does Cas know this? That you have feelings for him? Because…." Dean broke off as Chuck cut in to tell him that yes, Cas did know. Dean wasn't sure how to feel about that. Why hadn't Cas trusted him enough to tell him that he and Chuck had been fooling around? They had been discussing what had happened when they were apart.

He barely heard himself tell Chuck he would get back to him and then hung up. Cas looked to him, an eyebrow raised. "Cas….. were you going to tell me that you and Chuck were having sex?" He asked, and he watched Cas' face fall. Dean's eyes brushed with tears. "Cas…. we were talking about this! Why didn't you speak up and tell me about this? And you two are still roommates! Why…. I don't believe that you love him. I don't. But I do believe that you were foolish in continuing to live with him knowing how he felt. Yeah, he told me that you knew." Dean said, tears spilling down his cheeks. "So were you trying to have us both? Please tell me that you were just scared to tell me. Because if you weren't ever going to tell me….. I don't know that we should be getting married."

It hurt to say that. It really did. And Dean saw Cas' eyes brush with tears. He didn't know how to say how much this hurt. Even if he knew there was no reason to be jealous. He knew that Cas didn't have feelings for Chuck. "I thought you two were trying to prove that gay guys can be friends without sex? How is this living to that? I know that I shouldn't be getting this upset. But Cas, can't you see why I am?"

Dammit. Chuck had had to spill the beans. Cas wasn't surprised. He sighed and moved to grab Dean's hands. Shockingly, he let him. Dean looked into his eyes, and Cas could feel this rush of love for him deep inside. "I do see why you are upset, Dean. I know you don't think so, but I do. You… I wasn't sure if I should tell you. Because I don't feel about Chuck like he does about me. Him telling me that has been recent. We haven't even really spoken about it. I was… I was in such pain over having lost you, I just… I needed to cling to something that was normal. We stopped fooling around. I don't…. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you."

He really was sorry that it had turned out this way. He had been the one who should have told Dean. Not Chuck. Cas stroked the back of Dean's hands with his thumb. "I was trying to hang on to something that had made me feel less sad about you being gone. Even if it was in the way that it was. We didn't actually have sex. We just fooled around. It started with both of us being drunk. We mostly just made out and jerked each other off." This caused Dean's eyes to spill tears again. He stroked the back of Dean's hand again and then lifted one of his hands to wipe Dean's tears away.

Even knowing that they hadn't actually had sex didn't make him feel any better. Dean allowed Cas to brush his tears away. "I don't want to fight with you. I don't. But I had to make you aware of how hurt I am. You and I are engaged now. You will be coming to live with me. We'll get a place. I don't feel comfortable with you living with him. I don't want to have to feel jealous or be that guy. But I have to put my foot down." Dean never put his foot down about things. Not with Cas. With Sam he had and that was why he and Sam hadn't been speaking before he died. Dean didn't want to do that, put his foot down and then lose everything.

It was quiet for a long moment. Dean looked back at Cas, waiting for him to speak. Finally Cas nodded, and Dean smiled a watery smile. He leaned out to kiss him. Dean kissed him deeply, he wasn't trying to start anything but he wanted to let Cas know how much he loved him.

The trip to Jennie Wade's house was interesting for Cas. Dean wasn't exactly having a good time. He was trying though. Seeing Cas so happy about where they were was really making him happy actually. He knew that this was important to his fiance and he was glad that he could give him this experience. Dean was hanging out near the back of the gift shop, watching Cas move about looking at things. That's when his phone rang. Dean wondered who it would be this time. He pulled it out. He didn't recognize the number. But he went ahead and answered it anyway.

"Hello?"

Michael was laying back on his bed. He was going to tell Dean that he was still out there, and he was going to have Cas back in any way that he wanted him. Michael had been thinking about Cas since the night that they'd raped him. He didn't even really want Cas back as a boyfriend. He just didn't like that Cas had moved on. He wanted Cas to be there for his amusement as often as possible. He finally spoke. "Is this Dean?"

"Who wants to know?" Dean asked immediately. His dad had been a bit of a paranoid person, and he'd passed it on to Dean. Dean was surprised when Michael told Dean who he was. "How did you get this number, motherfucker?" Dean asked immediately. "I will not let you hurt Cas again, do you understand me? You touch him again and I will kill you. I will not even hesitate. You have a lot of nerve calling, asshole. You do. I can't even believe that you did this. If I can get him to tell the cops it was you, I will make sure that you serve time for what you and your buddies did. For some unknown reason, Cas cared about you. He was your boyfriend. And then you cheated on him and tossed him away." He was just getting up the steam to really let him have it.

If this wasn't happening to him, he wouldn't believe it. "You can't just use him as a tool for you whenever you want him. He moved on. He is allowed to move on. I am his fiance now. I will be with him forever. And I will die before I let you hurt him." Dean was doing his best to keep tears from brushing his eyes. They were in public. He was speaking as softly as he could, trying not to disturb anyone in the gift shop. Dean desperately wanted this conversation to end before his fiance rejoined him. He didn't want to have to have Cas walk right into it. He wanted to tell him gently. "I can't even believe your balls. That you are actually trying this."

All he did was listen. Finally it was his turn to speak. "I am not scared of you, Dean Winchester. And don't worry about where I got this number. I know people that you have never even heard of who have power in this town." Michael had grown up in NYC, and his father was a very powerful man. He could get just about anything he wanted and get away with just about anything he wanted. "You go ahead and call the cops. I won't serve time. This is not my first crime. And I have no criminal record." Michael didn't even know why he was going to the trouble to do this. Except that he wasn't done using Cas.

"I am not afraid of anything. And I know you will be coming back to the city when you are done with this little road trip. I will be here, waiting. I will fuck you while he watches, and then I will kill you. Cas will never tell on me, there's a reason he hasn't called the cops already." He knew that they had been called because Cas had been taken to a hospital, but he also knew that Cas wouldn't tell them that it was Michael and some of his friends. He wasn't going to do a day in prison. "You will have to kill me to get rid of me, and we both know you don't have the stomach for that."

It took a lot to keep his tone in check. "Look, Michael. I will not let you hurt him. Do you hear me? I do have the stomach to kill you. I don't care who you know in power. There will be no one who will stop me if I have to kill you. You walk away now. Leave NYC. Go somewhere else. But don't ever come back. Because I will make sure that you go down for anything that you did to Cas. I love him more than I love myself. I will do anything to keep him safe. That includes killing the bastard that did that to him." Before Michael could say anything to defend himself or threaten again, Dean hung up. His hands were shaking with his anger.

Finished poking around the shop, Cas moved with the few items he'd decided to buy to find Dean. He found him in a corner, seething about something. "Baby?" Cas asked, wishing he could reach out and touch him but his arms were full of things. A cup with soldiers both blue and gray, a book on Jennie Wade, and a book on Robert E. Lee. Cas met Dean's eye, and he shook his head at him. Cas nodded and they moved to the register to pay. Dean didn't want to talk about it here. It was okay, they were going to get in the car and head to Little Round Top. It was the battle that was the turning point for the North. They began to win the war after Gettysburg.

Once the items were paid for, they went out to the Impala. Cas put the bag in the backseat and then moved to get in the car. Dean was around the driver's side, standing there, his hands on the roof of the car, shaking. Cas didn't pressure him, he sat there waiting for Dean to get in the car. Thankfully it wasn't long and then Dean was in the car with him. Cas waited some more for Dean to speak. Finally he did, and what he was telling Cas was that Michael had called him. Cas froze, not sure what to make of this development. Dean told him everything that was said, and Cas was trying to keep his composure. He didn't want to talk about this. But he also knew that it was unavoidable, and he had to get Dean to calm down.

"Dean…. I know how angry you are. But I don't want to turn Michael in. It's not going to work. I know that you think you can save me from him…. But you can't. Michael is the son of a very wealthy politician. So you won't be able to get him to pay for what he did."

Reaching out, Dean grasped Cas' hand, and the other cupped Cas' jaw. "Look, Castiel Novak. I will not let anyone hurt you, do you understand me? I don't care who his father is. I will destroy him. I will call someone in New York and have them gather up your stuff. Put it in my storage unit, where my stuff is. Then when we get home, new place. That way Michael won't know where you are. I will not let this touch you. And we aren't running away. We are being smart." Dean didn't want Cas to think that what they were doing was running away and hiding from Michael. New York was a huge city, you could definitely hide there. It made him angry that they had to do this, but they'd already agreed to move in together anyway.

"Are you planning on going back to college, Cas?"

That was a loaded question. Cas wasn't sure he could go back. "I'm…. I might have messed up my future at college, Dean." Cas didn't know how he had managed to do that. But he had. He wanted to go back in time and change things. Go to class more often. He had his trust, but that didn't mean that he hadn't been planning on being a graduate of college. He wanted to go back but it may not be in the cards for him. It was a little depressing. "My point being we don't have to stay near campus. I don't want to go to school there anymore." Part of it was that Michael was there. The other part was that that was where things had happened that Cas wanted to forget. He didn't want to walk around every corner and see something that made him think of the bad things. He knew that he couldn't say that out loud to Dean though. He didn't want to hear a lecture on he shouldn't let Michael run his way out of college.

"Please… don't ask anymore about it." Cas didn't want to talk about it. "Can we please just go to Little Round Top? I've always wanted to see it. I really look up to Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain. I told you, he was the Union general in charge." Cas had had many arguments with his brother about the man. His brother was of the mind that if it hadn't been him, it would have been some other man who had managed to win the battle of Little Round Top. Cas was a believer that that wasn't the case. Cas believed that even things that were supposed to happen could be changed with an extraordinary person. Since their family had been so involved in the war Cas had always been extra interested.

All of that Cas had told Dean before. About the general that was. Dean eyed him, and wondered if he should push him and ask him why he wasn't going to try and go back to college. Dean wasn't sure it was the best idea, after what they'd just been talking about. Dean was going to kill Michael if the chance presented itself. "Michael… he's the reason you don't want to go back. I already know I'm the reason that you flunked out." Dean hated the look on Cas' face, but he also knew that he couldn't just take it back. Dean reached out and took Cas' hand, squeezing tightly. "I know you don't want to talk about it right now. I know that.. But Cas… I have to say this and then we can go and look at all the battlefields you want."

"You can't let him run you away. If you really don't want to go back, okay. But if this is because of Michael, you can't just let him run you out. You worked hard to get to college, Cas. I'm not a college guy. I'm never going to be someone who has a lot of money. Or a fancy job. You could be one of those people. You are really very smart." Cas didn't know how smart he really was, Dean was of the mind to believe. "But don't just take my word for it. Ask Jo and see what she thinks." Dean knew that Jo would tell him the same thing that Dean just had.

Cas just nodded and so Dean went ahead and started the car. Cas looked out the window, sniffling and wondering if Dean was right. But Cas didn't think that he could handle being on that campus. He knew that he had to tell Dean why. It was because that was where Michael and his buddies had raped him. Cas didn't want to walk around that campus and remember how that felt for the rest of the time he'd be there. Cas didn't know that he could get through that talk. It had been hard enough to tell Dean that he'd been violated like that. Cas had tried to fight him off. There had been too many of them to take on his own. It had been really upsetting. Okay, that was an understatement.

Before Cas knew it, they were at Little Round Top. There was Big Round Top, too, oddly enough. Cas eagerly got out of the car and hurried across the grass. It was a bit of a walk, there weren't a lot of parking lots on the battlefields. Only small areas where you could park. Cas didn't mind, and he could feel the feeling of being where so many men had given their lives to protect their rights, their country. Cas had always wanted to be on a battlefield from the war. He knew that Dean was behind him, but he also knew that Dean wasn't moving as quickly as he was. Cas was just eager to be in a place where Chamberlain had once stood. Cas had been the black sheep of his family all his life, because he had had great respect for the Union. Since his family was Southern that was a bad thing. Lots of members of his extended family were still racist. Cas had never been like that, and he had often wondered why he'd turned out the way he had with the family that he had.

It did take Dean a bit longer to get up the hill. It was a small hill, too, that was the funny part. But it opened up and you could see so much of the battlefield. There were lots of rocks, and that's where Cas was, sitting on one of the rocks. There was nothing that was there to keep someone from doing that. Dean kind of liked that, it's as if they knew that if someone was going to come here they would know to be careful. Dean could see how happy Cas was to be here. There were happy tears in his eyes. He loved that Cas was passionate about something like this. That was the kind of thing that Dean loved the most about him. He was so passionate about a lot of things.

"How is it, Cas?" Dean asked, he knew that he wasn't going to get the same feelings that Cas was right now. But it's because he didn't have the same connection with this war that Cas did.

"It's… I can't even describe the feeling to you, Dean." Cas said, wiping his eyes. He really couldn't explain how he felt. He maybe could to someone else who was a Civil War buff, but he knew that Dean wasn't one. "I am so glad that you're here with me, Dean. I know that you don't get it, my obsession with this time period, this war… but I still wouldn't want to be here with anyone else. It's.. seriously, this is indescribable. It's just… I feel so much I can't put it into words. I am sitting where Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain kept the Rebels from getting this hill." Cas had always been the most fascinated with the three day battles at Gettysburg. It was something that had finally turned the war into the Union's direction. They had been on the losing side before. Cas wasn't one to not have respect for Robert E. Lee though, he had been the reason that the Union had been losing. But he'd been a great general.

Dean moved to sit next to Cas on the rock. He reached out and took Cas' hand. "I love that you're so passionate about this. I'm not sure that there's anything that I'm that passionate about." Dean said. Michael was still on his mind, and why Cas didn't want to go back to school. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about it since he'd asked Cas if he was going to go back to college. "Cas… you were meant to do something like this. Be a historian. I know that you think you can't go back to college. I am sure that you could. Maybe not that one, but you could go to a different one. I mean, I know there's that credit transfer thing. Sam was always talking about it." His throat closed up when he mentioned Sam's name. When was that going to stop being so hard to deal with?

Turning to face him, Cas sighed. "Dean, that's really sweet. I know that you're just trying to help. But… there's another reason I don't want to go back." This was going to be hard, especially since he was already feeling the majesty of the battlefield. He didn't want anything to get in the way of that, but he didn't want to change the subject, he knew that Dean wasn't going to give up talking about it. Cas sighed. "I was… that's where Michael attacked me. Him and his friends. So… I would have to walk around with that memory while I was on campus." Cas didn't want to get into the he knew that there was no way that the college would take him back. He had already fucked up his life. "And… you're right, Dean. I would love to be a historian. I would. Especially a Civil War one. But trust me, college is out of the question."

Despite his firm tone, Dean wasn't sure that he believed him. "I won't.. I'm so sorry, Cas… I didn't know that that was one of the reasons you didn't want to go back. Don't even try and tell me that there aren't other reasons." He leaned out to kiss him. Dean almost wanted to suggest that they have sex right here, but he also knew that Cas would never do that on a battlefield. It wasn't the in public part he objected to, it was the it was a battlefield part. That was sacred ground where men had died. Dean didn't feel the same way, but he could respect that Cas did. "I won't pressure you about going back, but you should think about going to a different one. And I promise you, I am not going to let Michael hurt you anymore."

Looking into those green eyes, Cas knew that he couldn't tell him right now why his future with college was shot to hell. He reached out and cupped Dean's chin. "I love you. I love you so much. Your support.. I know that I can do anything with you in my corner." Cas kissed him then. "Now just drop it, okay? Nothing has to be decided right now." Cas pulled back to look at him. Dean was still looking like he was going to protest. "Please don't, just let it drop, okay?" He asked, and Dean just gave him a slight nod. Cas just wanted to enjoy the battlefield.

Later that evening, they were back at the hotel. Cas was setting down their bags of Chinese food. It had been hard to get Dean to agree to get Chinese food. Usually that was a hangover food for him. Cas was just bursting with the feel of doing so many tourist things that day. Cas took out his house fried rice and orange chicken and moved to sit at the table. Dean was an eat on the bed kind of person. But Cas was not. Dean this time moved to sit with him at the table. Cas looked at him. Dean had opted for a lot of food, Cas was wondering where he was going to put it all. "I've been wondering what we're going to do tomorrow. I want you to pick something. I don't want you to be unhappy or bored because we go to another battlefield or something."

"Baby, you know that I would do anything for you. If that means going to another battlefield, okay. I'm not going to lie, though, I'd love to go and see a movie or go bowling or something." Dean really didn't want to go to another battlefield, but for Cas he would. He was just glad that he and Cas were back together. Dean really did want to start getting home, but he knew as soon as they did that, their problems at home would come and rear their ugly heads. Dean got out his fork to start eating his chicken fried rice. They had been avoiding the talk of Michael since they had left Little Round Top. Dean had given up the thinking about Cas and Chuck together part. He knew that there was no point in being mad about it. You couldn't change the past and he knew that Cas didn't feel the same about Chuck. It was kind of hilarious to Dean that Chuck had slept with both of them.

"We can do that if you want. I don't want to monopolize all of our time." He said, and he really did mean it. Cas was wondering why Dean had been so quiet since they had left the battlefield. He knew that Dean was still thinking about Michael. He knew that. Cas really wished that he hadn't dated Michael. Cas knew that he couldn't take it back and it was just that much harder to get over it. Cas was also thinking about the fact that Dean had mostly been by himself their year apart. Cas had had friends at least. Dean had just been by himself. It was lonely. But Cas also knew that Dean hadn't necessarily minded that. He was kind of grumpy old man for someone who was almost 22.

Taking a large bite of his food, Dean looked at Cas. "So… we have to pick a new place to live. I know we can't really do that till we get back home… but I was already thinking about where it might be. Do you want to stay in Manhattan? Because I'm kind of thinking Brooklyn." He thought they needed to get out of Manhattan, as big as it was, there was still the chance of running into Michael. Dean was of the inkling that Michael had never been to Brooklyn. Especially if his dad was in politics. A lot of New Yorkers looked down on Brooklyn. Dean had been there a few times, he'd used to date this girl that lived there. He felt it was the perfect place for them to settle down for awhile.

"Brooklyn…." Cas said, he hadn't ever been. It was the only borough he'd never been to. "If you want to, I suppose that makes sense. Less likely that Michael would go there." It was true. There was no way that he would step into Brooklyn. "It's possibly going to be cheaper too." This Cas hadn't really thought of much, because he had his trust and before he'd been on scholarship. How he had managed that he would never know. Cas had a suspicion that someone hadn't told him that he had had all that money. "Not that it matters, because Dean, I am using my money. I know that you don't want me to. I know that you want me to worry about school and things, and take care of me. As sweet as that is, I want to be the one who takes care of me."

A soft smile touched Dean's face. "I love you. I'm not gonna lie, I don't care about the money… but it'll be nice to use it." Dean was already thinking of the awesome apartment they could get. All he was was a mechanic, and yeah, he was comfortable, but with Cas' money they wouldn't have to be in a crappy neighborhood. Dean smirked. "I love the idea of using your money. Just because we won't have to live in a dangerous neighborhood." Dean reached for his pork and took a large bite. He wondered how Chuck was going to handle that, Cas being so far away from him. Dean knew that he had to let that go. He had to stop thinking about Chuck having feelings for Cas. He believed that Chuck wasn't going to try and steal Cas away from him. "We could maybe get a house, if you want."

This Cas wasn't sure was a good idea. Not because he didn't think that he and Dean were going to be forever, but he didn't know that it was something they should be making a commitment to. "Um, yeah, we could do that. If you want." He said, and sighed when Dean gave him a look. "It's not because I have cold feet. It's not. I just think that should be when we're ready for kids and stuff." It was something that he happened to believe. "Let's just get a crappy apartment for now, okay? And you really should call someone tomorrow about moving my stuff." Cas had thought that was a good idea, actually, and he thought that Dean should get credit for it.

"I know that you are all into this relationship, Dean. So am I, okay? Please don't freak out because I think an apartment would be a better choice right now."

The idea of kids was freaking Dean out. He'd never had to think if he wanted kids or not. With Cas saying that, Dean was sure that he did want kids. Dean was afraid he would screw kids up. It's not like he had an upbringing that would lead him to think he was going to be a good dad. But he also didn't know that he wanted to open the kids discussion right now. Mostly because Dean was terrified of the idea and he knew that he was going to have to give in on the idea of kids if he wanted to be with Cas. "Yeah, okay, I'll let it go." He said, and they shared a look. Dean knew that he had made the right decision for now.


	5. What Lovers Do

Chapter Five: What Lovers Do

 _One month later_

They were set up in an Upper East Side apartment, they were using Cas' money after all. Dean was unpacking some stuff, and Cas was out doing some errands with Jo. He wouldn't let him do it alone, not with Michael and his cronies still out there. Dean heard the intercom, someone wanted buzzed up. Dean was curious, he wasn't expecting anyone, and not that many people knew that they had moved here. Only people that they could trust not to tell Michael. Dean went to get the door, turning down the Styx he was listening to on the way.

When he opened the door, he saw his friend Ash. "Ash!" Dean said, grinning, and stepping back from the door so Ash could come in. Dean gave him a hug. "I'm so glad to see you! Did Chuck tell you where we were?" Dean asked, he'd used to have a casual sex thing going on with Ash. Dean had started to fall for him, and then it had kind of just fallen apart. Dean wasn't sure exactly why, and they hadn't spoken in awhile, but he hadn't been angry about it. He'd missed him. "Can I get you something to drink? We've got soda, and water." They hadn't done much grocery shopping yet, part of what Cas was out doing was getting some stuff.

Ash stood there, watching Dean. He knew from Chuck that Dean was living here with a guy. And that it was a serious relationship happening, not a roommate thing. Ash knew that Dean would never be able to afford this apartment without the other guy. Even with the good work he got as a mechanic, there was no way. Ash wasn't sure what he was doing here, he knew that Dean was involved. But in the last year or so, all Ash could think about was Dean Winchester. "Um, yeah, whatever soda you have with caffeine is good. And I've got some weed, if you want to smoke. Figured we'd hang if you didn't have anything going on, order some food."

His friend watched him curiously, and Ash knew he was trying to assess what Ash meant by hanging out. They knew each other pretty well, and Ash was one of the few people Dean had said those three little words to, period. And Ash knew that it had been romantic kind of love. Ash hadn't said it back at the time because he had been afraid to. But he'd felt it. He was just glad that there hadn't been a lot of crazy drama as an end result.

Dean nodded. "We can do that, sure. I've got most of the living room put to rights, so we can hang out in there." He went to get them some sodas from the fridge, and came back into the room. "Follow me." He said, and led them out of the foyer and through to the living room. Dean flipped on the tv, and started channel surfing. Ash got out the weed paraphernalia and started to put a couple of joints together. Dean put one of the Cokes in front of Ash and then leaned back on the couch. "So, what are you doing here, man? It's not that I'm not glad to see you, but if you're here, you know that I'm engaged."

That still felt weird to say, but he also knew it was the right thing to do. Dean couldn't imagine his life without Cas. Dean brushed his hand across his scruffy chin and looked over at Ash, whose hair was still in the long mullet that fell to his shoulder blades. "I don't want to have to shoot you down, you… this.. We haven't seen each other in at least a year and a half." Dean said, and he was kind of glad that they were getting into this now. They had to air out things so they could move on.

"You could have spoken up then, I had feelings for you, and I know that you knew."

Rolling up the first joint, Ash handed it to Dean with a lighter. It was a Zippo, none of that Bic crap for Ash. "I know, man. I'm not…. I know it's shitty to show up here now and ruin what you've got with your fiancé." He said, and he meant it. He didn't want to ruin Dean's life or his relationship. "I just wanted to clear the air, and I've really missed you." Ash said, and he meant that too, not looking at Dean as he was rolling joint for himself. Ash did his best to keep his voice even. He took a deep breath. "Dean, I did love you then. I was scared. You already knew you were into guys when we started hooking up." This was true, and Ash felt that it needed to be said.

"Dean, I hadn't slept with a guy before you. I was freaking out, majorly." Ash said, shrugging one of his shoulders, trying to make it sound like it wasn't as big a deal as it was. It had been a big deal at the time. Ash didn't know if he wanted to let Dean in on how much it had been a big deal. "I didn't want… I know how it sounds. I didn't want to be gay. I didn't. I didn't want to have feelings for a guy. As amazing as you are, man… I just was so turned around. It wasn't you. Please don't think that."

Trying to keep a lid on his anger, Dean took a long hit of the joint. Ash always had good stuff, and he always made the joints as big as he could. You had to made of strong stuff to smoke the joints Ash put together. "You could have said something at the time. You could have told me you needed some space. I get the freakout, I did the same thing. But you could have told me. You could have let me in on what you were feeling. You just ghosted." Dean took another hit, and Ash leaned back on the couch to hit his own.

"I'm trying to keep my anger at bay. I know you're just trying to clear the air. But you had to choose now, when I'm engaged? I love Cas. We… trust me, him and me together is the right thing. I don't want to tell you how I know. It's hard for me to talk about." Dean didn't want to go into the last year that he'd had. It had been a dark year, and he didn't want to have to hear that what he'd done had been stupid. Dean knew that Ash would give him shit and he didn't want to hear it. It had been a very hard time, and honestly, he was still grieving over Sam. That wound was going to be unhealed for awhile. And that wasn't even taking into account Callie.

He looked at him. He knew what Dean had been through, he'd pried it out of Chuck. Ash wasn't surprised to find out that Chuck was carrying his own torch for Castiel. Ash also knew that they'd slept together during the year that Dean and Cas had been apart. Ash was fairly certain that Dean didn't know and he actually didn't want to tell him. He didn't want to blow apart Dean's relationship. Ash sighed. "I'm not trying to ruin your engagement. And I'm not actually trying to get you to choose me. I'm really not. You deserve better than me." This was something that he felt was true, and he saw the expression on Dean's face change as he spoke.

"Look, I know that I am. You think you're worthless, Dean, but you aren't. You are a great guy. I feel like shit for the way that I treated you. You deserved better than me just disappearing on you." Ash hit his joint, and was quiet for a moment. "You are too good for me, no matter what you think." Ash knew that he wasn't going to be able to convince Dean that he was worth anything. Dean had always been stubborn. It was something that they had in common.

"I just want us to be friends again, Dean. I miss having you around. So does Garth." Garth was another friend of theirs. They'd all hung out a lot.

Before Dean could answer, Cas and Jo came in. Dean put out his roach and went to greet his fiancé, who was carrying bags of food, and so was Jo. Dean wondered how they'd managed to lug them all the way down the block. "Hey, baby." Dean said, kissing him a little more deeply than he normally would have, mostly for Ash's benefit. "Cas, this is Ash, he's an old friend of mine, you remember me telling you about him." Dean had, and then Ash got up to shake both Cas and Jo's hands. Jo seemed scatterbrained and skittish, and Dean wondered briefly why. "Ash just wanted to hang out." Dean said, giving Cas a private look that he would give Cas the full story later.

Watching Dean's face, Cas gave him a look that he understood and then smiled at Ash. "It's nice to meet you, honestly. I'm going to be making pizza casserole, you're welcome to stay." Cas knew that Ash and Dean had slept together, and how Dean had felt about him. Cas wasn't going to do the whole jealous thing. He also knew that Dean didn't know about him and Chuck. Cas wasn't sure that he should tell him. Things were great right now, and he didn't want to ruin it. Plus, just because it might make him feel a little less guilty, that didn't mean that it needed to be told. Dean would just get hurt.

After Ash had said that he would be glad to stay, Cas and Jo went into the kitchen to put things away and Cas could get dinner started. Cas put away most of the food and then got out a pan to cook ground hamburger and a pan to boil the noodles. He looked at Jo. "So, you going to tell me what's going on with you?" Cas asked, she'd been quiet and jittery the whole time that they'd been out. Cas got out the ground hamburger from the fridge, he'd already defrosted it.

That was a loaded question to Jo. She wasn't sure that she could talk to him about it. "Cas… you're right, something is going on." She brushed some of her blonde hair behind her ear. There was a lot going on with her, and she wasn't sure that she could tell him. Because it was a similar situation that he had just gone through, and he was still dealing with it. Jo got out the cheese, mushrooms, sauce, and pepperoni, sitting them on the counter. Jo sighed. "Cas, are you sure you want to know? Because once I tell you, you can't unknow."

When he looked at her with a please, bitch, expression, Jo gave him a small smile and then leaned against the counter. "I was raped three months ago… and I found out that I'm pregnant." His mouth dropped open and he moved to hug her. She let him for a few moments, and then pulled back. She folded her arms, and she wondered what else to say. "I'm…. I'm not keeping it. I can't. It's… it would be insane to have a baby now. And every time I looked at it… I wouldn't be able to not remember what happened."

It was a stupid thing, but Cas wanted to offer for him and Dean to be the ones to raise the baby, but he also knew that was counterintuitive, because Jo would still have to see it. "I'm sorry, Jo. You know that I get how you feel at least partly. I…. I wish that I could help you, I wish that I could do something." Cas didn't know what else to say. He too knew the violation of being raped, but he didn't know how it would feel to get pregnant and have to carry the baby of the man who raped you. It had to be the hardest thing that Jo had ever been through.

He got out the pasta and put it in the pan. "So…. that's Ash." He said, changing the subject. He didn't really know how to feel about Ash. He trusted Dean completely, and he knew that Dean wasn't going to do anything with him. They were together and they were going to get married. Cas was just not sure what to think. He was sure that Ash wasn't just here to hang out, based on the look that Dean had given him. "He and Dean used to be fuck buddies." He said, and Jo gave him a thank you look. "I'm not sure what to think of him. I mean, I trust Dean completely. It's just, I don't know that I want Ash hanging around if he's going to be lusting after Dean every time he comes over."

"Well, it's not like you can say much, Chuck is going to be lusting after you every time he comes over." Jo told him, and Cas winced. "I know you don't want to tell Dean that you guys were hooking up… especially after Dean's year of celibacy, but you might have to. Chuck isn't exactly someone who keeps things to himself." Jo said, as Dean came in to get some more sodas. "Hey, Dean." Jo said, glad that he hadn't heard what she had said, because she knew that he would be hammering her about it if he had. He wasn't one to ignore things. Especially if it was about him.

Dean arched an eyebrow but he kissed Cas. "I bet it's gonna be a great dinner." He said, and gave Jo a smile as he left the kitchen. He went back into the living room, he and Ash were playing video games now. They seemed to have gotten past the weirdness, and Dean had to admit that he liked that. It was nice to have a male friend back in his life. Chuck he wasn't sure counted, they hadn't really talked in awhile, and while Dean had tried to get him to talk to him, Chuck hadn't seemed to want to. Dean was curious about what that was all about.

"So what's up with Garth?" Dean inquired, as he settled in on the couch again, putting down the sodas. He cracked his open and took a swallow before he picked up his controller again. They were playing So Cal, and Dean was always able to beat just about anyone that he played. "You guys still roommates?" Dean asked, as he picked a character for their next battle.

That was something that Ash was hoping that Dean wouldn't ask. Ash said, after a long beat, "Um, yeah, we are." They'd been hooking up, and Ash wasn't sure that he wanted to have to tell Dean that. Because he knew Dean was going to give him shit for it, because Ash didn't have feelings for Garth. Ash knew it was no big deal, because Garth didn't have any for him, either. Ash also knew that it wasn't going to be this huge big thing. They could keep it casual because neither of them were going to get emotionally attached.

When Dean smirked at him after winning the matches, Ash sighed. "Okay. Garth and I are banging." He hadn't wanted to say it, and there it was.

"What? You're _what_?" Dean asked, he couldn't believe that Ash was being that stupid. "You're using Garth?" He asked, and turned to look at him incredulously. "You can't be serious. If you don't have feelings for him, you guys need to stop." Dean cared about both of them, and actually, he thought that they would make a great couple, they were both incredibly strange, and their personalities actually meshed pretty well. It just wasn't the time. "I'm not saying that you have to get into a serious relationship or whatever if you aren't wanting to, but you can't just _use_ Garth for sex."

Ash sighed. "Look, Dean, I know that you're worried about both of us. I know that. But Garth and I aren't attached to each other. We're truly just having casual sex. No one is using anyone. And if we are, we're both being used, and so we're both getting something out of it." Ash said, as he looked back at Dean. He didn't want to argue about this. Ash knew that Dean was being a good friend but he glared at him. "Just drop it. I'm fine, and Garth is fine." They stared at each other a few moments longer, and then Dean looked away.

Later that evening, Dean and Cas were cuddled up on the couch, watching reruns of _Dallas_. Dean had been surprised that Cas had wanted to watch it, since he was from the South, and he refused to talk about any of the time he spent in the South. But he had said he was fine with it. Dean's arms were wrapped tightly around him, and empty ice cream bowls were on the coffee table. They hadn't gone too fancy with any of the furnishings, and the place hadn't been completely updated since the early 90s. Dean had to admit, that was part of the charm for him, he was an old school kind of guy. Dean was stroking Cas' stomach, he'd lifted the the boy's shirt and was stroking the hair along Cas' abs.

"So…. what do you think of Ash?" Dean asked, they hadn't spoken about it yet, but things hadn't been awkward at all, because they were both secure in their relationship. Cas was even sporting a silver sterling ring on his left finger. Dean was fully going to call Cas his husband too, it was a total travesty that it wasn't going to be legal, but he didn't care, to him, they'd be married.

Cas smirked and turned in Dean's arms so he could look up at him. "I know he's your friend… and I know that you guys are working things out, but I'm not sure that I like him." He said, looking at Dean with a twinkle in his eye. "You know that he still has feelings for you. I trust you completely, but him…. I don't know if I like him hanging around." Cas smirked more when Dean smiled slyly. "I know he's your friend. I just don't trust him." He didn't want to be a demanding spouse, and he wouldn't be, if Dean really wanted Ash around he wouldn't fight him. He just wanted to make his concerns known.

"I won't tell you not to be friends with him. I can't stop you. But I just wanted to make sure you knew how I felt about it."

Leaning to kiss him, Dean said, "You can be mad about it, if you were I'd understand. But I'm glad that you're not. I forgot how nice it is to have a guy friend. If it makes you feel any better, he's sleeping with our friend Garth. Even if I really think it's a bad idea." Dean said. "I know it's not really the same, since we know that he wants t be with me, but you know. He swears he's not going to try and come between us." Dean really had to believe that. Because he really needed to have friends, he liked Jo and Chuck, but Ash and Garth had known him longer and he liked that they had history together.

"It's okay, Dean. Really. I don't want to be a jealous husband. And I mean it. I trust you. I would never lie to you." He didn't think that keeping something from Dean that would just hurt him and didn't matter counted. And Cas was sure that Chuck wasn't going to try and get between them, either, he had known from the beginning that Cas wasn't serious about Chuck. He'd known that Cas was still in love with Dean. Cas had been considering what Jo said about Chuck maybe planning on telling Dean. Cas leaned back in Dean's arms, laying his head on Dean's chest.

Cuddling like this was his favorite, as much as he loved having sex with Dean, he loved cuddling with him more.

"So, when are you going to tell me what's going on with you and Chuck? He's been awkward whenever I mention your name, and he hasn't been replying to me when I try to get a hold of him. So clearly something happened. I won't be mad, Cas. If something happened when we were apart, I can't exactly be angry at you. We were broken up for a year." Dean really wasn't jealous if something had happened. He had slept with Chuck too, after all. It had been before he met Cas, but still. He couldn't exactly hold it against him.

Leaning up to look at him, Cas wasn't sure what to do. He knew that if Dean said that, he meant it. But Cas still didn't want to hurt him. He knew that a part of Dean might still have a small part of him he wouldn't tell Cas about that would be hurt. As much as they told each other, Cas knew that Dean still kept some things to himself. He got why, Dean was still a bit scared of losing Cas. Not that Cas would leave him, but that something would happen. He got it, Dean had lost his entire family. He was still getting used to the fact that Cas wasn't going anywhere.

"Well…" Cas said carefully. "I know… I didn't want to tell you. You were so sweet, and you didn't have sex for a year… and Chuck and I… I kind of used him for getting through without you. We… we had sex more than once. It was a six months thing. I didn't… he knew upfront that I didn't have feelings for him. I made sure that he was clued in on what was going on. I can't say for sure if he has feelings for me or not, but if he was avoiding you, that's probably why." Cas didn't bring up the reason why he hadn't told Dean, that he knew that Dean was still getting used to Cas being in his life for good. He didn't want to have Dean get embarrassed and deny it, and he knew that he would.

Dean leaned to kiss him again, long and passionately. "Cas, it's okay. I wish you hadn't, but that's only because I love you. But I get it. We all get through things our own way. And I trust you too." Dean said, and kissed him again, his hand slipping into Cas' waistline, his hand taking Cas' length in his palm, and Cas gasped against his lips. They hadn't had sex in the living room yet, and Dean wanted to christen every room in the house. His long fingers stroked the shaft, glad Cas didn't shave himself there. He liked that he looked like a man. Cas groaned against his mouth, and his hips arched up under Dean's touch.

It was only a matter of seconds before Dean was taking off Cas' pants and his underwear, and was on his knees between Cas' legs, taking that long hard cock in his mouth. He let it fill his mouth, thankfully, he had no gag reflex. Dean was glad about that. He loved having Cas' entire cock in his mouth. He let his teeth scrape gently across the shaft, and Cas' fingers twisted in Dean's hair. Dean moaned against Cas' cock, and his finger moved to slide around Cas' entrance. When he had Cas ready to come, he moved off him, and started taking off his clothes. Cas watched him, panting. When Dean was ready, Cas turned to face the couch, and using precome from his own cock, Dean slid into Cas' entrance, glad that they had a vinyl couch.

As Dean slid into him, Cas groaned out his name. Neither of them was specifically a top or bottom, they both liked to do both. Cas loved to have Dean inside him, and as that huge member Dean had between his legs slid deeper into him, brushing up against his prostate, Cas moaned. "Dean, fuck!" He wasn't one to curse, only when he was having sex with Dean. Dean held onto Cas' hips as he fucked him, and Cas' hand went to his own cock, trying to match the ministrations of Dean's movements. Dean breathlessly gasped out Cas' name, and Cas came faster than he did, he had already been close. As Dean's hips hit Cas', he came, his thumb moving over the tip of his cock.

A couple of minutes after, Dean came too, his fingers digging into Cas' hips a bit. "Oh fuck, baby." Dean managed to say, still trying to catch his breath. He slowly pulled out of Cas, and leaned to tilt Cas' jaw so he could kiss him. "Let me go get a towel, we'll wipe off the couch." Dean said, green eyes meeting blue. That blue was Dean's favorite color, he could spend the rest of his life looking into those eyes, and he knew that he would.

Cas stood there, his breath coming back to normal, and Dean came back in with a towel from the bathroom, and wiped the couch clean, and then got down on his knees and licked Cas clean, Cas shivering as he did so. Dean made an 'mmmm' sound and Cas shivered some more. Cas put his underwear back on. "I gotta tell you I slept with Chuck more often, that was amazing." Cas said, his eyes a little sex blown.

"It was pretty good." Dean agreed, ignoring the part about Cas sleeping with Chuck. He meant what he said, he really wasn't angry about it, but that didn't mean he wanted to be reminded. "Hey, how's Charlie?" He asked, they hadn't talked to her in awhile, and Dean was wondering how she was. Dean liked Charlie, she was fun and he liked checking out girls with her. He was a good wingman if he said so himself. Not that she needed much help, Charlie was no slouch when it came to picking up girls. Dean put his own underwear back on, a pair of women's pink panties. He liked to wear them sometimes, and he knew that Cas liked them on him, they hugged his ass just right.

That was something Cas could answer easily. "Actually, I think she's trying to put the moves on Jo." He said, he also knew that it might actually work, Jo was kind of off the idea of guys now, and it was completely understandable. Dean's eyebrows raised as he reached for his pj bottoms to pull them back on. They hung just low enough on his hips that a flash of the pink silk underwear would be seen. Cas shivered at the sight of it. "She's… it might actually get her somewhere, Jo's not real into guys at the moment."

Dean went to take the towel back to the laundry hamper in the bathroom, and then put the ice cream bowls in the dishwasher. He came back with a beer for each of them. Dean sat down on the couch, and tugged Cas down with him. Cas hadn't started school back up, and Dean wasn't sure that he was going to go back. He _had_ started to write a book though. Dean was proud of him. He was sure that it was going to be great, he'd read some of Cas' short stories. They were really good. Dean had never read such hot sex before.

"That seems interesting. I wonder if she'll actually get Jo to go out with her." Dean said, as he popped the top off his beer.

Cas shrugged a shoulder. "If anyone can, it's Charlie. She's very persistent." Cas brushed his hand through his hair as Dean tugged him close again. Cas wouldn't trade this for anything. He loved Dean so much. They'd already been discussing their wedding, Cas wanted a small thing, and Dean kind of wanted to go all out. He knew why, Dean just wanted to make sure that everyone knew he was marrying Cas, legal or not. Cas didn't mind, he thought it was incredibly romantic. He also liked that they were using money that his family had left him in order to do it. Cas loved that idea.

Within another twenty minutes, Dean was asleep and Cas was poking him so they could go to bed. Cas had been looking at bridal magazines once he'd fallen asleep. They were going to have to come to a compromise on the wedding size.

A couple of days later, Dean was just getting home from working, Ash was letting him use his place for working on the cars, since he and Garth had a garage. When he was getting out of his car, there was a woman standing there, holding a toddler. She was pushing the button for his and Cas' apartment, and Dean wondered what she was doing there. "Um, can I help you?" Dean asked, pulling out his keys. The woman introduced herself as Denise and that she was there from social services. The baby was a girl, and her eyes were as green as Dean's. He froze. He hadn't exactly been celibate except in the last year. The toddler looked like she was between two years and three years old.

"Are you Dean Winchester?" Denise asked, and Dean swallowed hard. He nodded. Then there was a ringing in his ears as she told him that this was Jessalyn Braedan, and she was Dean's child. Dean knew she had to be telling the truth, besides the fact that she had the papers to prove it, Dean remembered Lisa. Dean swallowed again as she told him that Lisa had passed away and that Dean was now Jessalyn's legal guardian, as she had no other family. Dean accepted the little girl, who looked at him with her green eyes that were so like his. She had his dark brown hair too.

Dean thanked her a bit woodenly, he was kind of in shock. He also accepted the bag of things that she handed him, it was some of Jessalyn's clothes and toys. She assured him that the little girl was potty trained, and that someone would check back in in a few months, and if he had any questions to just call her. He nodded again and shook her hand after juggling Jessalyn and his keys, and then went inside, glad that their building had an elevator. He wondered if she hadn't pressed the button yet, or if Cas wasn't home. He was really hoping for that she hadn't pushed the button yet.

When they got upstairs, their apartment was on the fifth floor, Dean walked down the hall with her, she was being very quiet. Dean was sure it was because she was shy. And she'd just lost her mother and probably didn't understand what was going on. Dean got them inside, and Cas was in the living room. He stood when Dean came in carrying his daughter. "Um, Cas, this is my daughter Jessalyn." He said, and Cas' mouth dropped open. Dean wasn't sure what to do, and as soon as Jessalyn saw the video game console, she squirmed to get down.

"I wanna play." She said, and Cas moved to put in a game that she could play, she eagerly pointed to the basketball game one.

Once she was occupied, Dean took Cas into the kitchen. "So, I had this thing with this girl Lisa a few years ago. Apparently she got pregnant and never told me." Dean knew that he couldn't give the little girl away though. And he knew that Cas was excited about the idea, even if he was in shock. "I know… I know that we didn't plan this… but she's got the DNA results." He showed Cas the papers. "I also know that we didn't plan on kids this early…" But he knew that Cas was going to start jumping up and down. "Is… I can't just let someone else raise her."

Cas leaned out and hugged him tightly. "Dean…. It's okay. You can't change the past. I assume her mother is…. Gone?" He asked, and Dean mumbled a yes. "Okay. We can do this. I swear we can. I'm actually really good with kids, my older brother has some." Cas had been a late in life baby for his parents, he had nieces and nephews that weren't that far off from his age. "You are amazing, Dean. You could be backing away from this and you aren't. And you know what it's like to lose your mom, so you will know how she feels." This was true, and although Dean's eyes brushed a bit with tears, he nodded.

Jessalyn came rushing into the kitchen. "I'm hungry, Daddy." She said, appealing to Dean. Dean assumed the social worker must have told her what was going on. Dean had to admit, that was weird to hear, but also not surprising. Dean had always been careful, but sometimes things happened. And he was sure there had been a few times with Lisa that they'd forgotten a condom. Dean hoped they had something besides soda to give her to drink, and something that wasn't too sugary to eat. He wasn't going to make her eat healthy all the time but it was around six or so, he didn't want to sugar her up before bed. Dean said, "Do you like peanut butter and jelly?" Dean still did, and ate one just about every day. She nodded, and he moved to make her one.

She accepted a cup of apple juice from Cas, and crawled up onto a chair all by herself. Cas kneeled to look her in the eyes. "I'm Cas. I'm your daddy's boyfriend." He said, and Dean stiffened a little while he was making the sandwich. But then his shoulders relaxed. Cas also knew they couldn't hide it from her. She was moving in. Jessalyn looked at him. "So I have two daddies?" She asked, as she took a sip of her juice from the straw. "Well, yeah, I guess so." Cas said, nodding. "We're going to get married."

"Really?!" She asked, as Dean came over with her sandwich. "Can I be the flower girl?" She asked, looking up at Dean.

Dean was honestly surprised that she'd taken to them so quickly. She wasn't at all like he remembered Lisa being. She'd kind of been cold and shut off, it had really surprised Dean that she had even agreed to go out with him in the first place. They hadn't lasted long, Dean had gotten tired of her pushing him away. He had actually been trying with her. Dean hadn't really had a serious relationship after her until Cas. "If you want to. Did Denise tell you that you're going to live with us now?" Dean asked, as he moved to sit down at the table with her. She pulled the crusts off her sandwich, and took a bite before she replied.

"Yes. She said I had to live with you because Mommy had to go away." She said, and Dean was blown away by how much she looked like him. Dean couldn't see Lisa at all in her face, although that wasn't exactly a bad thing in his eyes. He didn't really have fond memories of Lisa. Dean nodded. "You can have your own room." They had a three bedroom, Cas had kind of insisted, for guests, and one was his office. Luckily for them, they already had a bed in the guest room that would now be Jessalyn's.

Jessalyn looked at him. "Okay…. But can I sleep with you and Papa tonight?" She asked, her big green eyes taking in Dean and then Cas. Neither of them missed that she had called Cas 'Papa'. Cas had to admit, he liked it. They had rushed into being engaged, they had rushed into everything. This was just going along with their entire relationship. Cas didn't mind, though. Cas shared a look with Dean and he knew that his eyes were misting over a bit.

"Yeah, Jessalyn, you can sleep with us." Cas said, nodding. He moved to go and get out something for them to eat for dinner. He pulled out some ground hamburger and some Hamburger Helper. Dean loved Hamburger Helper. He saw his fiancé's eyes light up at the sight of it. Cas smiled at him and went to get a pan to start cooking the hamburger. Cas couldn't believe how much their lives had changed in the last month or so. It was amazing. Cas had never been so happy in his life. Even if it meant using the money that his family had set up for him. But he also knew that it wasn't hurting anything to use it, since it was his. Cas also liked being able to get them a place to stay that wasn't in the bad neighborhood Dean had been staying in.

A couple of hours later, they had gotten Jessalyn to bed, she was out in seconds. Dean was leaning on the door jam, watching her. Cas had gone out to the living room, to find them something to watch. Dean had told him he would join him in a few minutes. Dean couldn't believe that that little girl was his. He hadn't been surprised, not really, just at first. He didn't know how he didn't have more kids, he was always careful, but that didn't always mean that the condom was foolproof every time. Hence, Jessalyn. Dean was so angry at Lisa for not telling him about her. Dean couldn't believe that she hadn't wanted any kind of help from him. Or not wanting Jessalyn to know that he existed. Dean wished that Lisa was still around because he had so much to say to her.

Like if she'd never passed away, would Dean ever have met his daughter? Dean was guessing not. He had no family left, and he knew that Lisa had known how important family was to him. He was going to have to talk to Cas about this, he had to get some of his feelings out. Since he'd never get to say them to Lisa. Dean watched Jessalyn for a bit longer and then went into the living room. Cas had found some old _Cheers_ reruns, and already gotten out some chips and a beer for Dean and a soda for him. Cas wasn't a big alcohol drinker. Dean moved to sit with him and cracked open his beer.

"What if Lisa had never died, Cas? I can't help but think that I wouldn't have ever gotten to meet her. She's my daughter, Cas. I wouldn't have been in her life. I am so mad at Lisa. I can't believe that she was going to try and keep my daughter from me." Dean hadn't been so angry in a long time. It was something he never would have guessed of Lisa, and he wouldn't have done something like that to her.

That was something that Cas would never have to deal with, he didn't have any desire to ever sleep with a woman. And never had. Cas moved to cuddle up to him, putting the bag of chips on Dean's lap, so Dean could reach them. "I don't really know what to say to that, Dean, other than it was awful of her to do that to you. It's unbelievable. I don't really get how it feels to have that happen, but I do know that holding onto the anger isn't going to do either of you any good. You should try and just get to know your daughter. Forget about that you lost all of that time. It's going to just eat at you, and that isn't going to help. You can't go back, and you can't let Lisa know your feelings."

It was true, it was going to eat at him if he didn't try and let it go. He didn't know how to stop obsessing about it, but he knew that Cas was right. He was going to have to try. Dean took a sip of his beer, and then got a handful of chips. "I'm fucking scared, Cas. What if I can't do this? What if I can't be a dad? I know you wanted this. And I wanted to be open to the idea for you. I just… I didn't think that this was really going to happen. I know it was a possibility, but still. I'm freaking out."

Cas didn't know why Dean had such a bad self image. "You are going to be great at this, Dean. I know you don't think so, but you are. You speak so highly of your dad. You had a great dad. And everyone freaks out about raising a kid. I'd worry about you more if you didn't. There are books, you can read about it. But already you were great with her. You got her to take a bath, brush her teeth, and to bed with no problem. I don't think she's a child who misbehaves a lot, but that is still a great accomplishment."

That made him feel good, that Cas thought that he would make a good dad. Dean blushed a little and kissed Cas. "You know, it's going to be harder to have sex now. And you're going to have to be quiet." Dean wasn't sure that Cas could be quiet when it came to sex. Dean was mostly teasing him, but the blush on Cas' face was worth it. "You are so cute." He said, and kissed Cas again. Dean was smiling when he pulled back to breathe. Cas was still blushing deeply. Cas buried his face into Dean's chest in embarrassment. Dean laughed and moved the chips, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

They spent the rest of the time before bed watching old sitcoms, and Dean had to practically carry Cas to bed, he had gotten so sleepy. Dean didn't mind, any reason to have Cas in his arms was a good thing in his mind.

The next morning, Dean was awakened by Jessalyn, demanding breakfast. He smirked at her, she sounded just like him. He moved to get up, he'd had to remember not to sleep naked since Jessalyn had been with them. He was wearing a pair of pj bottoms Cas had bought him with dogs on them. Dean hated dogs, but Cas had been so happy to find something to get him, Dean hadn't had the heart to tell him no. At least they were blue. Dean liked blue, Cas' eyes especially. Dean pulled on a Dodgers tee shirt and went with Jessalyn to the kitchen. Cas was still passed out in the bed, and drooling. Dean didn't care about that, he thought that was adorable too.

"What do you want? We have lots of cereal, or I could make you eggs or something." Dean said, Cas was the one who really knew how to cook, but he could do breakfast food, and of course anything that could be cooked on a grill. Thankfully they had a patio that they could grill on. It was just off the kitchen. Dean loved that they could have a patio on the fifth floor. Dean himself wanted some cereal, he would eat just about anything that had sugar in it. "I'm gonna have a big bowl of Cocoa Puffs."

Jessalyn crawled up onto a chair all by herself, and grinned. "I love Cocoa Puffs!" She declared, and Dean was more convinced than ever that she was his daughter. He put a glass of milk in front of her and then went to get out the cereal. As he did, Cas came stumbling into the kitchen. He kissed Dean, morning breath be damned. Dean smiled at him and then put a bowl of cereal in front of their daughter.

Starting the coffee, Cas also leaned down to kiss Jessalyn's cheek, who gave him a sunny 'Good morning' and then chowed down on her cereal. Cas wondered if she was going to want to get up at eight every morning. He really didn't mind though, she was a delightful little girl. Cas knew that there was eventually going to be bad behavior, but he really thought that there wouldn't be as much as some other kids. She hadn't given Dean hardly any fight the night before about getting ready for bed. Cas definitely thought that Dean had done part of that work by being a good dad, but she also hadn't fought him. She'd accepted that it was time and had done so without a word of back talk.

"I see you're going to rot out from sugar just like your daddy." Cas said to her, as he got out an English muffin for his breakfast. He liked to let the butter melt into all the nooks and crannies, and he liked raspberry jelly. Cas had tried to get Dean to eat something other than cereal for breakfast that wasn't bacon and eggs, and he'd lost that battle. But he wasn't really trying to change Dean, he just wanted him to eat a little healthier on occasion. He'd have him around longer.

"They're chocolate, Papa." Came the response that clearly to her settled the matter. Dean and Cas looked at each other over her head, and they smiled. This wasn't exactly going to be easy, but it wasn't going to be the worst thing that they'd ever had to do, even if Dean was scared out of his mind. What else was going to happen? He just wished that Sam and John were alive, they would have loved to get to know Jessalyn. Then he remembered that Callie was out there, and he was supposed to be thinking about letting her in. Maybe he should now.

 _ **Author's note: So, sorry this has been so long! I actually have two other chapters of my SPN/TW crossovers to type up, I'm kind of a do it in the order they're finished kind of writers, but I wanted to try and get this updated first. This is one of the ones I started on docs, so it's not as time consuming as writing it out in a notebook first. Although I love that, filling notebook pages with writing. Anyway, I didn't plan on giving Dean a kid, especially a kid that was Lisa's. Not a fan of Lisa. I also don't know why I didn't go with Ben, I have no problem with Ben. Also, there will be more issues with Michael, I just kind of wanted to have a chapter that wasn't full of angst. Speaking of, if you guys want Garth and Ash to be a thing, you can vote. If not we'll just see what happens. XD.**_


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